Arise
by DarkRedWillow
Summary: Kate struggles with being back on duty while Castle is determined to help her break down her walls. When Kate has another accident, will it be enough to finally made her realize it's time to let Castle in? Season 4 fic but spoilers for the whole series.
1. Chapter 1

This has been on my mind for some time now and I had to get it out. It is meant to be a one-shot but who knows, it may develop into more.

*Set between 3 and 4. Several weeks after Beckett's shooting and sick of being without any news of the woman, Castle decides to take the matters in his own hands.

"This is ridiculous!" Ryan exclaimed as he slammed the phone back on its cradle and watched it shake a second before it stopped, as if scared it was going to get slammed again if it continued moving.

"What is?" Richard Castle asked distractedly, busy flipping pages of a file out of nervousness and irritation. He already knew by heart every line on every page of that file, having gone through it several times a day for the past month in a half. He tried telling himself he should stop, but his heart had a mind of its own. So instead of spending his days writing his new Heat novel, due in a few weeks, he only spent a few hours typing random words in and used the rest of his time obsessing about the case.

As he closed the file, his gaze lingered, as ever, on the first page and at the small clipped photograph at the top right corner. He swallowed back a smile as Detective Kate Beckett seemed to be staring back at him, her expressive sienna eyes looking right through him, almost daring him to make a move.

Castle sighed as he played the woman's last words to him over and over again in his head. 'I need some time.' The writer thought she'd meant a few days, a week top before she called him again but it had been weeks since that dreadful day and yet, not a word from her. Ryan and Esposito were in the dark as well; it was as if Beckett had completely vanished from the surface of the earth.

The famous novelist was so deeply lost in thought that it took him several seconds to notice Ryan waving his hand repeatedly in his face. "Oh. Sorry, what?"

"I said that the bank accounts are a dead end. I couldn't find any relevant information to help us take at least one step toward Beckett's shooter." Ryan patiently repeated, feeling sympathetic to the writer's disquiet demeanor. He might not share the same feelings towards Beckett, but he and Esposito still missed their friend greatly.

Castle's features darkened and abruptly dropped the file on the desk. "This is ridiculous."

"That's what I said." Ryan replied tersely as his eyes were drawn to the file and the detective's picture as well.

There was a moment of awkward silence where the three men didn't know how to respond to the outburst, whether out of respect or discomfort. "Any news from Beckett?" Castle finally ushered, deciding to ignore their silent agreement to not talk about their friend and colleague to avoid upsetting the novelist further. In vain, it looked like.

Ryan only shrugged but Esposito hesitated before sighing and leaning back in his chair. "She got discharged last week, Lanie said." He spoke for the first time, his eyes surprisingly soft.

Castle's heart jumped at the news that the woman he loved was finally out of the hospital, as well as a little shocked at how long she had to remain under medical attention before being well enough to leave. The thought of her being alone at home made him frown, but the Latino detective was quick to bring him back to reality. "She's not there, bro. She's at her father's cabin."

Castle only stared at the photograph of the brunette woman, his eyes shining in determination.

"Are you sure you don't need anything, sweetheart?"

"No I'm good, thanks dad." Kate Beckett answered with a soft roll of eyes as she watched her father put on his jacket. The man knew better to overcrowd her so he smiled and placed a kiss on her forehead before fishing his keys out of his jeans pocket. "I'll only be gone a few hours. How about Chinese for dinner?"

"Sounds good." She nodded and grinned from her place on the couch until the front door closed and heard her father's footsteps in the gravel outside. The mask fell when the distinct sound of the jeep's engine faded away, meaning she was finally alone for the first time in almost three days. The smile left her tired face, finally revealing the pain she was in and it was with a somewhat irritated eye that she looked around at her convalescent home or, as she called it, her confinement house.

The cabin was small yet comfortable, its walls entirely made of wooden panels and the numerous windows all around were giving it a more spacious feel than it actually had. After a brief glance at the coffee table to her left and a short hesitation, Kate reached out and grabbed a small prescription bottle containing tiny blue pills. She popped two in her hand and swallowed them with half a glass of iced tea her father had made a few hours prior, hating herself for needing them.

She watched with a frown at the assortment of bottles that took most of the space on the table, the sight of them combined with the dull but constant pain she felt in her chest and ribcage the reminders of what had happened to her.

Memories of that day suddenly assaulted her, as they did whenever she was alone for more than a few minutes. Painful flashbacks of the cemetery, of the other cops present and the sight of Montgomery's coffin danced wildly in her mind until the one of something hitting her hard replaced everything else. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't block the burning sensation of the bullet digging a hole through her body, ripping her insides apart, just as she couldn't make the feeling of strong hands grabbing her and tackling her go away.

Castle had tried to save her. He had somehow seen or felt what was about to happened and he had tried to prevent it. The seconds following the shooting had been a complete blur for the woman, but there was one other thing, besides the bullet, that Kate remembered. Despite the commotion, the screams and the people rushing to her side, the only thing clear in her head was Castle's words to her. He had told her he loved her. Richard Castle was in love with her and it was slowly but surely driving Beckett crazy.

How could he love her? She knew there was more than friendship between them but to go as far and say that it was love...Like every time Kate dared letting herself feel if what she felt for the man was anything more than simple friendship, she forcefully and quickly pushed the thought of her mind, terrified of finding the answer. To admit to herself the answer.

Sighing in annoyance she carefully stood, seized the blanket that was resting on the back of the couch and headed out to the patio, the warm sun finally luring her outside after having stayed in since their arrival the week before. Beckett was halfway to the door when she seemingly changed her mind and turned around. She walked to her bedroom, opened her night stand drawer and took the book that was hidden in it.

Finally settled in an oversized chair out on the open patio a few minutes later, Beckett flipped through the book a few moments before going back to the first page, and stared at it with shiny eyes. The dedication made her smile against her best effort to remain stoic, dimly aware that her heart had swelled with joy upon reading the few words Castle had wrote just for her over and over again.

Two hours later, the slender woman was so absorbed in the latest Heat novel that she never heard the soft footsteps coming her way. The distinct sound of someone clearing its throat startled her and she dropped the book in her lap, her eyes widening at the sight of the new comer as she unconsciously slapped herself for having let her guard down. But, even worse, for having decided to wear sweat pants too big for her and one of her father's loose and well worn sweater. "Castle?"

"Hey."

"Wha-what are you doing here?" She asked dumbly as the obvious answer immediately popped in her mind. "Lanie."

"Esposito, actually. Can I?" The man gestures forward and she nodded shyly, watching him in mild shock as he climbed the few steps separating them.

Castle grinned as he took a seat next to the woman he loved and barely managed to hide a worried frown as his eyes expertly took in the detective's form, examining her closely. The already slim woman had lost weight and he could tell from the way she was favoring her right side when she shifted on the chair that she was still in the middle of recovery, her every move stiff and cautious. The lack of sleep was also obvious on her delicate features, making her normally bright eyes seem darker than usual. "How are you?"

"I'm good." She told him softly, unable to take her eyes off him. She grinned when he flashed a bright smile at her, but she noticed with a twinge to the heart that his smile wasn't reaching his eyes.

"I'm glad. Are you here alone, or has your father let you and motorcycle boy the cabin all to yourselves?" Castle asked in what he hoped was a casual tone but by the way Beckett's eyes narrowed, he knew he had entered a touchy subject.

Beckett stared a few seconds before deciding Castle was genuinely curious and hadn't heard anything else from Lanie or Esposito. "We broke up. It's just me and my dad."

"Oh. When? I'm sorry, it's not of my business, you don't have to answer that." Castle apologized but his heart skipped a beat as Beckett smirked and raised an eyebrow, not believing him for a second. "About a week after...after."

"So you're father is here with you then?"

"He's out running errands. What are you doing here, Castle?" She asked another time, not fazed by the writer's tactic to stall to admit the reason to his visit.

The seriousness that washed over Castle's face made Kate regret her insistence and suddenly wished they had kept the level of conversation to a light chit-chat. "You weren't calling back."

"I had my reasons." Kate said calmly as she closed her eyes. The disappointment and annoyance radiating from the novelist's eyes were too strong for her to endure.

Castle sat straighter in his seat, determined to have this discussion whether Beckett wanted it or not. "I'm sure. But you said it'd be a couple of days, a week tops. It's been six weeks, Kate."

"I needed more time."

"It's been six weeks! That's forty-seven days I've had to wait not knowing how you were doing, if there was any complications or not...I couldn't wait anymore."

Beckett shot the man a soft look as her hands unconsciously played with the book. "You're mad. I didn't want that, I didn't think you'd care that much, I'm sorry."

Castle scoffed and jumped on his feet, annoyed. "You didn't think? How can you even think that? You're damn right I'm mad! I've watched you die in that ambulance, Kate! I saw the light going out of your eyes, I got drenched in blood, _your _blood! How can you even think that, after we've been together for over three years?"

"I'm sorry Castle, I really am." Beckett quickly amended, genuinely ashamed for having hurt him so much, even if it wasn't intentional. She pretended not to have heard his verbal slip about them being together and she pushed herself forward to get closer to Castle but the movement was too sudden and she fell back on the chair with a sharp gasp when she knocked her ribs against the side of the chair, her hand immediately rising to her still healing side.

"Whoa whoa, easy there!" Castle quickly kneeled before her and put a hand on her knees while the other reached the woman's shoulder. "It's okay, just take a deep breath. That's it, easy...easy." Castle spoke quietly and with a warm, comforting voice but he was shaking inside. His heart ached as he helplessly witnessed the painful strain contorting Kate's features, and smiled encouragingly when she opened her eyes and stared at him in a way she had rarely did. The only times she ever looked at him that way were when the detective had learned her mother's death wasn't a simple and random murder, and the day Castle had her pinned to his car while captain Montgomery was being killed in order to save her life: it was a look of pure misery. But, most importantly, it was a hint at the real Katherine Beckett, the one that was still vulnerable and wounded by her mother's death, the one that has been hiding a wall all these years.

"You okay, do you need to take any medication or anything else?" Castle asked as his hand softly ran from the woman's shoulder to her hand and he squeezed it gently.

Beckett exhaled more calmly and shook her head after having glanced at the novelist watch. "Not before another four hours."

Castle cringed in sympathy. "Do you want anything to drink, or eat? Do you want to go inside?"

Beckett smiled faintly but stubbornly shook her head. "I'm fine, Castle, I just moved faster than I should've had. I'm okay I swear." She reiterated, ignoring the pointed glare the man sent her and shivered lightly under the cold wind that had suddenly came from the distant lake.

The famous novelist frowned at the woman's obvious discomfort and at her subtle yet unsuccessful attempt to hide it. Kate's curious gaze followed him as Castle stood, removed his jacket and covered her with it. Relief was immediate in her eyes as the shivers receded, the already warm jacket spreading its warmth through her body. "Better?"

"Yes, thank you." Beckett's smile was sincere but it quickly faded to uncertainty as Castle reached out with his hand and softly brushed his thumb over her cheekbone, wiping away a tear she didn't know she had shed. "Castle..."

Castle felt they had entered into a dangerous territory; there was a small sparkle in Kate's eyes, the man wasn't imagining it. But fear was also clear on her features so the writer slowly and carefully pulled back, practically giddy about the progress they had just made and desperately wanting to avoid destroying it. "So, I see I interrupted you while reading one of the best sellers of 2009?"

"Huh?" Kate snapped back to reality and looked over to Castle, who was watching her intently. "Oh. Yeah, my dad picked up a bunch of books for me to read in the hope I wouldn't go crazy too fast here." She said as she looked down to the first Heat novels.

"I think they're your best books so far."

"Sure. Of course you aren't biased in any way regarding that opinion." Castle smirked, his smile brightening when he was rewarding with what he thought was the most beautiful smile Kate had even graced him with.

They spent the next moments in a comfortable silence, both peeking at each other but never meeting their more than for a fraction of a second. It was ultimately Kate who, after taking a deep breath, broke the silence. "Castle? What are you really doing here?"

Castle sat back in his seat but stayed close to the woman, making sure her eyes were on him. "I came for you."

The heavily loaded words hung in the air between them for what seemed to be hours. They stared at each other, both acknowledging Castle's confession for what it really was. "Kate, what do you remember of that day?"

Kate visibly closed-up at the question, her body stiffening and her eyes suddenly averting the writer's. "I don't remember anything."

Hope deflated in Castle's blue eyes but he quickly masked his disappointment. "You don't...you don't remember me tackling you?"

"No," she lied. "I don't remember much of anything. I-I remember being on the podium and I remember, everything just going to black." She had no idea why she couldn't tell Castle the truth. It would be so easy to simply admit remembering about his love confession, but it would also mean having to admit her own feelings about the man and, for the time being, Kate was in no way capable to voice anything more than a saddened sigh.

Castle absorbed the information, not pleased about the woman's revelation but unwilling to let it temper with his mood too much. Something in Beckett's face was off but Castle decided to not push it. At least not until he knew more about it. "Oh. I guess it's just as well then."

"Yeah."

"Katie?" Beckett's father's voice echoed inside the house, startling them both.

The writer swore he could see a glimpse of annoyance flash in the detective's eyes upon getting interrupted but, once again, he acted as if he hadn't notice anything. He grinned at Beckett as she let her father know they were outside, the patio door opening a few seconds later to reveal a worried man. "There you are! You okay pumpkin? Oh, Mister Castle, hi."

"Mister Beckett, it is nice to see you again." Castle welcomed the man, noting with relief that he didn't seem to mind seeing the writer with his daughter. "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were going to have company, but I'm sure we have enough for three if your friend wants to stay." Beckett Senior offered kindly but Castle declined politely, doing a mental happy dance at the brief disappointment he read on Kate's face. "I have to go back, Alexis has a recital tonight."

Mr Beckett left without another word, letting the partners alone. Kate watched Castle expectantly as he got ready to leave. Remembering she was still wearing the man's jacket she began shrugging it off her shoulders but Castle was quick to stop her. "Keep it. Give it back to me when you'll come back."

Kate eyed him curiously but, once again, the novelist could have bet his Ferrari the detective almost seemed bummed about his departure. "You won't be coming back?"

"You still need time." Castle crouched before her and, agonizingly slow, leaned forward and, tenderly, placed a hand behind her neck and pressed his lips close to her mouth, the feel of her silky skin on his warm lips making their both hearts skip a beat.

Her eyes having closed when she felt Castle's strong hand on her, Kate reopened them when he pulled away, leaving her colder than she could have ever expected. "I will wait for you." Castle softly whispered in her ear, answering the young woman's silent fear.

Beckett watched him go and kept staring into space for several minutes after the man's departure, her mind reeling. She was still deep in thought when her father came out to get her for dinner. "Mister Castle is gone?"

"Yeah." Her voice was serious, although a small grin was gracing her lips. As scared as she was, knowing that Castle's departure wasn't definitive and that he was willing to wait for her brought a sense of peace and quiet to Kate's tormented mind and, for the first time in months if not years, her heart felt lighter, hopeful.


	2. Chapter 2

I got a shocking amount of notices/favorites/alerts for this, I never thought it would get so much attention, so I really thank you all. Sorry this chapter is short, and more like a second prologue, but the main story will start soon, I just need to set all details right before I do. Thanks a lot again, don't forget to review too!

* * *

><p>There was a package on the porch waiting for Beckett when she came back from her run.<p>

Quickly picking it up and glancing at the clock as she made her way into the small cabin, she noted with a frustrated smile that she had lasted for over thirty minutes this time. She used to be able to run for hours without breaking a sweat, but now her new achievements had to be counted in mere minutes, something that the recovering detective had trouble dealing with.

Still, an achievement was an achievement, no matter what it was. Pushing away any negative thoughts out of her head, there was a small smile gracing Beckett's lips as she glanced down at the package, already knowing from whom it was. She brought it with her to her bedroom and left it on the bed while she changed, her movements still cautious but much more quicker than before.

Distracted by the package, Beckett didn't pay attention to her surroundings and she was about to put on a clean t-shirt when she caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror. She was always so careful about not being in any proximity of any reflecting surface whenever she was undressed, but she had messed up this time.

Kate glared and silently cursed Castle for managing to distract her even if it only was in the form of a box and she sighed as her eyes lingered on her body. Everything was healing fine. Really fine even. That's what the doctors told her anyway when she was in town yesterday for her weekly physical therapy. Still, Beckett frowned at the dark and slightly puffy lines marring her ribcage, where they had to operate in order to save her life, and at the smaller but still present bullet scar.

They were already much better looking but she knew it would likely take several months and even years before they faded into a pale pink and become less apparent. But they'd always be there. They'd always be a painful reminder of what she had almost lost.

Tears pooled in her eyes but she refused to succumb to them and so Kate blinked repeatedly and hastily put her shirt on, the tugging of the scars a welcomed distraction from her restless state. The young woman sat on the bed and rubbed a tired hand over her face and her mind shifted its focus back on the package.

'_It came in while you were out. I'll call you later, pumpkin. There's soup left in the fridge. Love you, dad.'_

Kate put the note aside and stared at the box a few moments as she tried to guess at what would be in it this time.

The first box had arrived a little over a week after Castle's visit. Kate was having a bad day and was curled up in bed when her father had brought her the box. If she had been annoyed at first, curiosity got the best of her and soon she was going through the box, a stunned grin on her face. DVDs of movies she hadn't seen yet, her favorite cookies and fresh bear claws filled the small package, along with a small piece of paper.

'_So you don't go crazy too fast in there. RC'_

After that, care packages became a regular thing. She got one almost every week, give or take. Sometimes it would be DVDs, other times it would be books; last package contained one month worth of NY Times' crosswords, an insane assortment of various pens and pencils in many different colors, and too many freshly baked muffins.

This time was no exception, she thought as she brought a decent sized Tupperware container out of the box, and smiled at the sight of the mountain of homemade cookies inside. Beckett promptly opened the lid, grabbed a chocolate chip cookie and shamelessly moaned as she took a big bite. The woman almost choked on it though when she saw the short but very Castle-like post-it note stuck to the back of the lid. _'Small bites, detective. They're all yours so there's no need to hog them all.'_

Glaring at the note but nevertheless taking a smaller bite of the cookie, she reached into the box again and pulled out the latest Steve Carrell movie, immediately followed by the _Ice Age_ series. Kate smirked at the post-it taped on the one on top, Castle's writing deliberately child-like.

'_You know you love them.'_

She did love them, especially Scrat. He sort of reminded her of Castle, with his desperate quest to catch the acorn. Except that in real life, she was the acorn and she kept slipping out of Richard Castle's grip, whether it was consciously or not.

Kate had a lot of free time on her hands ever since that...day, and not a day had passed where she hadn't spent at least several hours pondering and questioning herself for lying to the writer. She still couldn't explain why she couldn't tell Castle the truth, but the worst part was that if she really thought about it, she had serious doubts about the man knowing more than he was letting on.

Still, Castle hadn't been nothing less than a gentleman so far. After his impromptu visit several weeks back, he had stay true to his promise and hadn't come back. Instead he had apparently came up with small, quirky yet surprisingly sweet ways to help her pass the time more quickly and to make sure she couldn't forget about him. As if she could, _would_ ever forget about him.

She loved him. It had taken her a long time to realize it, and an even longer time to accept those feelings. She just hoped she hadn't taken too long to come to terms with how she felt about the man. He said he'd wait, but would he really?

Kate let out a frustrated sigh, annoyed at how her mind was over thinking things again. Castle wouldn't be sending him all of these packages if he didn't care. Or maybe he was sending them because he had met someone, or he got tired of waiting and he tried to buy some time before telling her he had changed his mind.

"Arghh!" This was stupid. Kate knew she was overreacting but she couldn't help it. Maybe she could talk to Lanie, to see what she thought of the whole thing, but as soon as she thought of her friend, Beckett knew it wouldn't be a good idea. She hadn't called the M.E. in weeks and she was doubtful the woman would appreciate being called about only to talk about writer boy.

She needed a distraction. Her father wouldn't be back before a couple of days and the cabin and the quietness of the place really was starting to drive her crazy. She grabbed the first _Ice Age_ DVD and was about to get up when something at the bottom of the box caught her eye. She hadn't noticed it at first but she wondered, as she took the manuscrit out, how she could have missed it. The cover was bright yellow and black, not of the very subtle kind.

Kate cradled _Heat _Rises in her hands and felt an odd mix of excitement and dread as she stared at it. If she felt a small pang of disappointment at seeing that she wasn't mentioned in the dedication, it was quickly replaced by pride at the words Richard Castle had used to pay homage at Captain Roy Montgomery.

Surprisingly happy to be alone and to have the newest _Heat_ novel in her possession, and smiling appreciatively at the fact that Castle had sent her a copy even though the book wasn't coming out before another few weeks, Beckett grinned and settled comfortably on her bed with it, everything else forgotten.

Question clear in her eyes, Kate flipped absently through the pages as she struggled to not take a peek at the ending. Did Castle used her...accident, or did he decide to go with something else? Curiosity got the best of her and she swiftly looked for the ending, her fingers dancing through the pages of the book. The victory of reaching the end was short lived and Kate scoffed, rolling her eyes at the giant post-it covering the whole page.

'_No. This is not how you read a book, whether is it based on you or not. Go back to the beginning. Nuh-uh. Don't even try. Go! Katherine Beckett, go back to the first page.'_

Kate burst out laughing and didn't even think of ignoring the note, instead doing what she was told and going back to the beginning. There was one final note there, one that brought a sad smile to the woman's lips.

_Thank you. I hope you'll like it, we can talk about it when you get back in town._ _RC._

Suddenly Kate didn't feel like reading anymore, nor was she hungry. She dropped the cookie in the container and the book in her lap, a pensive frown darkening her features.

She never called him. Not before he came all the way down here to confront her, and not after. She never called and she felt awful for it. Was she really letting the man waste his personal life away to wait for her? He gave her time when she asked, he's always given her time or anything else she might have wanted and never asked anything in return.

She didn't want to wait anymore. She didn't want to be scared about her feelings for the novelist, just like she didn't want to hide the truth from him anymore. Kate knew that the longer she waited to reveal the truth about remembering the shooting, and Castle's love confession, the more she was likely to screw everything up between them.

Kate sighed; she was not meant to go back to work for another week, but she couldn't wait anymore. She had to take care of things.

It was time to face reality and embrace it.

She was going back home.


	3. Chapter 3

Again, thanks a lot to everyone that reviewed/favorited and everything, it means a lot! The actual plot is coming next chapter, but I needed to set up our favorite characters before I could start the actual story, so enjoy!

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the other characters. They belong to Andrew Marlowe and ABC *sigh*

* * *

><p>Alexis jumped and lost the page of the book she was reading when the front door opened and slammed closed. "Dad?"<p>

"Yeah." Richard Castle sighed as he joined her in the kitchen and unceremoniously dropped his body on the stool next to his daughter. "What's the matter, you seem upset."

Castle stared distractedly at the pile of books filling up the space on the kitchen counter, not sure where to start. "I saw Kate today."

"What?" Alexis's head snapped up to shot her father a surprised look. "Is she back in town? Where did you see her?"

"At my book signing." Castle softly replied, still in mild shock from his encounter with the detective. He had been so surprised when he saw her in the waiting line, this had been the last place he could've ever expected her to be. "She waited for me, after. Oh, and she is back in town. She's already back to work."

"Huh."

Castle glanced at his daughter with a quirked eyebrow, taking in her serious features and her stern tone." "Huh? That's your response?"

Alexis bit her lip, not answering and instead began picking up her books to clear the space. Her father knew she was avoiding the question, but he had no idea why. "Sweetie, you know you have the right to voice your opinion, whatever it is."

"Ugh, it's just that, that, she leaves for three months, never calls and you spend all of your time thinking about her, and write about her and, and baking for her, and still she doesn't do anything? That's rude!" Alexis finally exploded, frustrated. "Did she at least thank you for all the packages you sent her?"

"We didn't get around talking about that..." Castle admitted with a slight frown. He was so busy staring at her that asking her about them didn't even cross his mind. "We only spoke for a few minutes, she had an appointment she had to go to."

"To see her boyfriend?"

"Alexis!" Castle chided her, not particularly enjoying her sassy attitude anymore. "She broke up with him when she was still in the hospital. And for the record, she had an appointment with her physical therapist."

"Oh." The teenager's annoyance visibly left her upon hearing her father's words. She glanced up at him guiltily, not sure what to say. She always liked Kate and, while she firmly believed she was perfect for her father, she just couldn't stand there and watch as he got his heart broken all over again. "I'm just..."

Castle nodded with a soft smile, having a suspicion of what his daughter was thinking. "I know what I'm doing, sweetheart. I promise. Things are going to be different this time."

"How do you know? What's so different now that wasn't for the last three years?" The girl challenged one last time.

The writer leaned forward and engulfed his daughter in his arms, placing a soft kiss on the top of her head. "I read between the lines. And also, I saw it in her eyes, Alexis. Kate is terrified about what's happened to her, and to let her guard down."

Alexis melted into her father's embrace, the frustration she felt before turning into a dull sadness and concern for the detective. "Why? She knows you would never want to hurt her."

"I think that...she's built those walls around her such a long time ago to protect herself that she doesn't know how to break them down anymore."

"Then we're going to have to help her."

* * *

><p>Beckett groaned when a gentle knock echoed through her apartment. She shot a longing look at her couch and at the thick, warm blanket that had been waiting for her and, sighing, padded barefoot to the door but not before making a brief stop to small desk to retrieve her gun.<p>

Standing on her toes to look through the eye of the door, Beckett raised an eyebrow but she had a small grin lighting her face as she opened the door for her partner. "Castle, hey."

"Hey. Can I come in?"

The detective rolled her eyes but moved aside to let the man enter, her hand going up behind her back to hide her gun.

Castle came in and pretended to not notice the weapon in his partner hand, looking the other way as she quickly put it back to safety. Part of him was upset at the insecurity his friend displayed but, at the same time, he was relieved that she was cautious at all times. He watched her putting the bolts back on the door and noted that there were two more locks now.

If he momentarily thought that four locks for such a small apartment was a bit much, considering this was Beckett's home, he would have been happy to see bolts from top to bottom, and on either side. Plus one of those antique locks, with the heavy piece of wood you put all the way across the door to prevent anyone outside from coming in.

He was so distracted that it was only when the young woman poked him in the chest that he realized he had zoned out. "Sorry, what?"

"I asked what was in the bags." Kate asked almost hesitantly, suspecting what the writer had been thinking about. "You didn't have to bring anything for me to open the door, you know? I do that for free when being asked nicely."

"Haha, funny." Castle laughed mockingly as he walked up to the counter and dropped the bags on it. "I figured you wouldn't have had the time to go grocery shopping, since you never go," he pointed out with a stern look, "so I thought I'd bring some food over. Not junk or anything, just regular but still delicious comfort food."

"Castle..."

Castle ignored Kate's warning and began unpacking several plastic containers. They were different sizes and shapes, but all seemed to contain homemade food, which made the woman frown awkwardly. "Um, Castle? Did you cook?"

"Sure. Alexis and I were bored this afternoon so we tried this new recipe book she bought the other day and we kind of went overboard, so we thought we'd share." The man easily answered. "Care to give me a hand? I don't know where you want to put everything."

Kate sighed, conflicted. She didn't want to accept so much from him again, especially after everything he's sent her over the summer, but on the other hand...Rick was a great cook, as well as Alexis and from what she could see through the transparent containers, the food did look delicious. 'Damn.' "Seriously Castle, I can't-"

"Nuh-uh. I am not taking no for an answer. You need to eat healthy. Heck, you need to eat, period, and I am more than happy to provide you with that, at least for now. You wouldn't want all of it to go to waste, would you?"

Castle turned around to find Beckett staring darkly at him, pissed at his comment about needing to eat more, no doubt. He stared back, although he kept his hands busy by grabbing a container nearby and opening the lid just enough for the smell to escape. The writer fought a smirk as he watched Beckett's demeanor change, knowing that if he showed he was the one currently winning, she'd probably try and shoot him. "Come on, it's primavera chicken and wild rice, you _love _primavera chicken, don't you detective?"

Beckett glared one last second to prove her point but failed when her stomach decided to growl at the exact same moment. Without losing a beat Castle completely removed the lid and put the meal in the microwave, and waited for the woman to make a move.

"Just how much did you cook?" She finally asked as she joined him to the counter, eyeing gleefully the insane amount of food the man had brought her.

"There were more of it, actually but, as it turns out, we made a slight mistake when we tried to make homemade raspberry jam." Castle began telling, opening the freezer door and easily filling it with the food he had brought. "Someone, who shall remain nameless, kind of accidentally dropped a whole bag of sugar into the mix."

Castle laughed at the disgusted face his partner made, his heart skipping a beat as he listen to her soft but genuine laugh. He hadn't realized before how much he had missed her but now that she was before him, all smile and looking absolutely adorable in her slightly too large navy NYPD shirt and grey yoga pants. She had tied her hair into a loose ponytail and a few straight hairs hung loose down her face and, not for the first time, the writer was amazed at her natural beauty and grace.

Castle's smile faded somewhat and he frowned at his friend's tired features. His concern grew when she tried, unsuccessfully, to hide a yawn. "You sure I'm not interrupting? You're tired, I should go." He offered even though the last thing he wanted to do was leave.

"No, don't go, it's okay." Kate quickly spoke, finding herself unwilling to let the man go so fast. Sure, she had been looking forward to a quiet night watching tv but now that Castle was there, she didn't want to be alone anymore. "I'm always tired anyway, you being here won't change that. I mean, it's not me that's tired but more my body. I'm fine, Castle, I wasn't even close to go to bed yet."

"Okay, if you're sure then."

Beckett grinned, pleased that her friend had decided to stay. "I am."

The microwave beeped so, after gracing the detective with a pleased smile, Castle turned around to take the food out while Beckett moved to a cabinet to retrieve mugs. "I'm sorry I'm out of wine but could I interest you in a hot chocolate, or tea maybe?"

"Ooh, I wouldn't say no to a hot chocolate, it's surprisingly cold out tonight." Castle grinned like a child as he put the container on the counter before going back to search of a plate and utensils. He turned around just as Kate used her left arm to grab something on a higher shelf but cringed when she strained her muscles and surgical scar. She was able to swallow back a painful gasp but no matter how quick she tried to hide it, Castle had already noticed. 'Damn.'

To her surprise though, the writer didn't say anything and merely stepped next to her to grab the cocoa on the higher shelf. "I keep forgetting how much shorter than me you are when you're not wearing those insane spiked heels."

"Ah, but come on Castle, you know you love them." She retorted slyly as she took the milk out of the fridge, the only thing she had thought to buy this morning, to make the hot chocolates.

"Hey!" She opened her mouth to snap at Castle when he took the mugs from her hand but he didn't leave her the chance. He gently but firmly pushed her around the island and made her sit where a steaming plate of food waited for her. "Please eat while it's hot, I can take care of these. And for the record, I do love them but I don't care whether you wear stilettos, slippers, Converse's or if you're showing off those cute little toes," He waggled his eyebrows with a small smirk, "You're always beautiful to me."

Kate blushed and stammered unintelligible words, mumbling something about beating him down for making her blush, but one look at the plate and she caved, too hungry to be annoyed furthermore. It occurred to her that she had easily caved more than once in the last five minutes, something she normally didn't do, especially not with Castle. Not that fast and certainly not without a fight anyway.

Castle, on his side, was thinking the same thing. Either Beckett was exhausted and didn't even think of arguing back, or something was bothering her. "Are you sure you're okay?"

The man observed his partner closely and he could see the woman's mind reeling as she debated about opening up or not. "Did you really bake everything yourself?" She finally asked, so softly he almost missed it.

"What? Yes, of course, I just told you about it. Although I said cooked, not baked." Castle frowned, definitely concerned now.

"No, I meant, this summer? The cookies, the muffins, everything. You did that?" Kate asked again but she knew. Deep down, she knew he'd taken the time to do all of it for her, because since patience had never been his best quality and he had promised he wouldn't go back to the cabin, he had to do something else for her. And it made her happy because no one else had ever taken the time to do such a thing for her, but it also scared her to death because she wasn't ready to return the favor yet.

Sensing her dilemma, Castle sighed and abandoned the steaming mugs to go and sit next to Kate. He hesitantly put a hand on her arm and breathed out in relief when she didn't flinch or shy away. "Kate. I promised you, remember? I kept my promise so far and I'll continue to honor it as long as I have to, because I know that somewhere behind that wall, you want this as well."

"And to answer your question, yes. I did bake everything I sent you, except for the bear claws. You are too insanely picky about those for me to even try to make them myself." He smiled as he was rewarded with a wary chuckle. "You and I, we can do this. One day at the time. One brick at a time. Hell, one tiny little morsel of it at a time if that's what we need to do. But we'll win. I promise you. We will get there."

Kate choked down a sob but there was nothing she could do about the tears that had pooled in her eyes. She cursed them as she felt them run down her cheeks. "I don't want it."

Castle's heart sank at her words, his face falling. "What?"

"I want it gone. I don't want to have that stupid wall inside me anymore, I want it gone." She whimpered, her eyes closed so she missed the relieved look that washed over Castle's face when he grasped her words. She wanted it to. And he had been right. She had trapped herself inside that wall for so long that she now had no idea how to tear it down.

Making a bold move and hoping it wouldn't get him shot, Castle grabbed the edge of Kate's stool and pulled it to him. The move startled the woman and she shrieked as she lost her balance, but Castle reached out and swiftly grabbed her by the waist. "Castle, what the hell?"

"Come here."

"What?"

"I just want a hug. Please?" Castle admitted, his voice low and warm as he put a hand on Kate's back, and gently pushed her closer to him. She resisted at first, her body stiffening in his arms, but the feel of Castle's warm hands tracing soothing circles on her back after feeling so cold for so long finally did it.

Kate leaned into the man's embrace and let herself relax for the first time in months. Castle's arms closed around her like a tight blanket, sharing his warmth with the slender woman. He could feel her shaky breathing against his chest, but she wasn't crying. She refused to completely let go, he knew.

Getting to finally hold her in his arms, Castle tightly closed his eyes and savor the moment. They had only scarcely hugged over the years, and he had cherished every single one of those times, but tonight was special. Because the last time Castle had his hands on Kate, she had been dying.

Whereas her body had been cold and stiff then, it was now warm and relaxed; whereas her breathing had been shallow and struggling then, it was now slightly shaky, but deep and quiet. But, most importantly, whereas her heart had been beating erratically in a desperate attempt at keeping her alive, Kate's heart was now beating a little fast, but it was strong and regular.

There was no blood, no gut-wrenching terror this time. Kate Beckett was safe in his arms and Castle made a quick but heartfelt prayer for having her back into his life again.

When Castle noticed Kate's body becoming heavier against him several moments later, he smiled and gently, carefully, pressed his lips on the top of the detective's slumbering head. "Kate?"

Castle's smile grew wider when a sleepy grunt answered him, followed by an elbow in the ribs. "Oww."

"Oh, Castle I'm sorry, are you okay?" Beckett quickly pushed herself back up and glanced guiltily at the man, watching nervously as Castle rubbed his ribs where she had accidentally elbowed him. "I didn't mean to-"

"Kate, relax, it's fine. As long as you didn't try to gut me intentionally, I won't hold grudges." Castle joked but from the startled look on the young woman's face, now was not the right time for pleasantries. "It was a joke. I tend to do that a lot, remember? Richard Castle, joker extraordinaire."

Beckett snorted and nodded sheepishly. "As if I could forget." Getting nervous at the way Castle was staring at her, Kate slowly slid down the stool and shot a brief look at the clock. It was barely 8:30 and she was already exhausted but she didn't want to show it, or Castle was going to want to leave her.

Castle watched lovingly the woman that had stolen his heart as she stood up and, against his best intentions, couldn't help but be amazed. Even when she was obviously tired, Kate was still the most beautiful girl in the world to him. Even when she was dressed in sweats and didn't have any makeup on, the only thing Rick could think of was how he wished he could hug her, or even just hold her hand and tell her how he loved her and cared about her.

He wanted much more than just that but he didn't mind waiting. He didn't mind because even if she didn't realize it, Kate gave him a little something of her every day that went by. Whether it was a smile only directed at him, a few words whispered to his ear or by the way she unconsciously opened up to him, Castle was rewarded daily just by waiting for the right time to come.

That was how he knew she was more tired than she was letting him on. The way her eyes were slightly narrowed under the harsh light of the kitchen indicated the beginning of a headache, and he certainly didn't miss the way her hand had come up, absently grazing over her ribs, her fingers stroking her scar. She must have pulled it harder than he had thought at first and he wondered how long it would take before it would stop bothering her completely, at least physically. Probably not before several months if not longer, he thought with a sad sigh.

Kate heard him and she turned around quickly, letting her hand to drop by her side. Castle's upset features weren't lost on her. "So, are those hot chocolates coming or what?"

"Kate," Castle began and, if he normally would have given into the warning glare Beckett was shooting him now, tonight he decided to ignore it. "Don't push me away, Kate. I'm not asking for a full-on 'let's lie on the couch and reveal all your darkest secrets' therapy session, I just want to know how you are. We haven't spoken in three months, I think it's fair for me to be concerned and care about you."

He hadn't missed how her eyes had widened at his comment about the therapy session, but he dismissed it, figuring it had been about the couch comment. "Kate. Please."

For a moment he thought she was going to shut him down and faked being tired and having a headache (despite those both facts being accurate) so she could get out of it and run away, as usual. Castle was not expecting for a minute he would get an honest answer from his partner and best friend so when she spoke, he had to physically restrain himself to jump up and rush over to her side to hug her again.

Kate stared hard at her clock, not seeing the time but instead focusing on the ticking it made every second that went by. She was at a crossroad and, as much as it terrified her, it wouldn't be the last one. She had hoped to have more time to get back in the hang of things but, of course, fate had decided otherwise. "Castle, I-"

"Please."

"I..." 'Oh, hell.' "I'm not running away, it's just...I'm tired, okay? I haven't slept much in the last couple of days, my first meeting with the new captain wasn't exactly fun and, and...my side hurts." She breathed out as the words came out of her mouth faster and more numerous than she intended. She lowered her head and looked everywhere but at the man, cursing herself for having admitted so much.

Her head snapped up in surprise when she felt hands on her shoulders, having not heard the writer stand up and walking up to her. He had the sweetest smile on her face, soft and considerate and, proud, maybe? Kate felt herself blush as Castle's hand came up to gently rest under her chin, making sure she would look at him while he talked. "Thank you."

Kate stared back at the deep, sparkling blue eyes that were locked on hers and she swallowed thickly, hoping her voice wouldn't betray her. "For what?"

"First, for not throwing me out for pushing you; Second, for trusting me enough to open up to me; And third, thank you for the hug...and for coming back. Thank you."

Kate grinned, her cheeks burning again. "Always."

Castle nodded and smiled, fighting the urge of making a silly dance again. His right hand had began tracing small, random but soothing patterns on her shoulder and down her arm as he spoke. His hand absently move down and soon joined Kate's over to her side, where her hand had sneaked up during her confession. He mimicked Kate's earlier movements, his fingers tracing delicately the shirt over the detective's surgical scar, his heart pounding loudly in his chest.

Kate's breath caught in her chest, the foreign yet familiar touch sending shivers down her spine. Her fingers lightly grabbed Castle's and lowered them gently, her scar tingling even after the loss of contact. "Castle..."

"Katherine..."

Kate knew what he wanted even if she knew he'd never flat out asked to see it. To see them. Never would he dare ask to see her scars, because it wasn't something you'd do. Not if you cared enough about that person. Kate knew why Castle wanted to see them, just like she knew why he had needed their previous hug even more than she did. "I'm okay...Cas- Rick." Even after knowing him for four years, it was still weird for her to call him by his first name. "I may not be completely fine, but I'm okay. I, I...someday. Someday you will, but not tonight. I-I just can't."

Once again Castle nodded in understanding and squeezed Kate's fingers before releasing them. "Can I have another hug then?"

Kate rolled her eyes good-naturedly and let the taller man gather her in his arms again, stiffening only briefly before giving in and hugging him back.

The moment was lost as Kate's stomach growled loudly, making Castle chuckle. "I think someone is still hungry." He laughed as he let the woman he loved pull away, relishing the slightly embarrassed look she shot him. "Things kind of got out of control before I had time to eat more than one bite."

"Well we can't let that heavenly chicken go to waste now, do we?" Castle moved quickly, checked the plate's temperature and, once satisfied that it was still warm enough, went back to Beckett and dragged her to the couch. "Castle, what are you doing?"

"Come on, Beckett, you were about to drop on that couch and spend the night watching God knows what when I barged in so that's what you'll do." He said as he grabbed the blanket and indicating her to take place on the comfy piece of furniture. His eyes narrowing when the woman glared, Castle changed tactics. "Fine whatever, suit yourself. You're right, you should rest. You're going to need those extra hours of sleep since I am cutting you off coffee."

"What? That's not fair!" Beckett yelled in indignation, annoyed at the writer's childish blackmail. Truth was that daily coffee routine she had going on with the man was something she loved more than she'd cared to admit, and for him to threatened to take that away from her, especially after the way she's been craving it all summer long was just plain cruel. "That coffee better be amazing tomorrow." She groused with one last scowl. "And can I have my hot chocolate now?"

"Of course." Castle smiled widely once he was out of Kate's sight and smirked when he heard her almost whining 'stop smirking!' as he came back with the food and hot beverage. Settled comfortably under the blanket and reaching for the remotes, she accepted gratefully the plate Castle handed her but winced faintly as she twisted her torso the wrong way. Kate bit her lip, her mind suddenly reeling and struggling to make a decision. "Castle, do you think you could, um, do you think you could grab my bottle of painkillers in the kitchen cabinet? The one where I keep the glasses?"

Castle's expression softened immediately and it only took him a minute to fetch them, Kate accepted them with a strained smile. "Thanks."

"Hey. There is nothing wrong about asking for help or anything that can help you get better." He told her quietly as he took a seat on the couch as well.

"I know." Beckett replied tersely but she didn't sound convinced. "It's just...It's..."

"I know." Castle smiled gently, giving Kate's knee a light squeeze before getting up. "I'll let you get some rest, it's getting late."

Kate washed off her pills with a mouthful of cocoa, dropping the bottle of painkillers in her lap and glancing at the tv hastily before making up her mind. "Castle?"

"Don't worry, Katherine, you will have coffee _and _a bear claw on your desk in the morning." The man grinned, turning around to wish his friend goodnight.

"Oh. No, um, that's not...I was just wondering if you wanted to stay a while longer, if you didn't have other plans? There's a Naked Gun marathon that just started a few minutes ago, if you want to watch it too? With me, I mean."

Castle smiled, his eyes meeting up with Kate's deeply expressive sienna eyes nervous ones. "You had me at the word Naked, detective."

"Just sit your ass on the couch, Rick."

"Yes, ma'am."


	4. Chapter 4

Set in season 4. Everything up until Cuffed is fair game, included Killshot. I thought about skipping over it but I think having it as a background as well could be useful, so...

Disclaimer: I do not own Castle or any of the Andrew Marlowe characters. A girl can only dream.

* * *

><p>Castle knew it would be a bad bay when he reached the address Beckett had texted him an hour earlier. She'd normally call, or have either Esposito or Ryan phone him to tell where to join them but it only had gotten a succinct text message at 6:10.<p>

'_Cold one, already on my way with Espo.'_

And then, at 6:11, before he had time to reply, another _bing_ had him reach quickly for his phone. '_Sorry_. _42__nd__ and Lexington.'_

It wasn't like her to forget to give him the address because if she hadn't wanted him there, she wouldn't have contacted him at all. Now that Castle was standing in the parking lot and surrounded by police cars, CSU trucks and several members of different media, he understood.

A shooting range.

The murder victim had been shot dead in a shooting range. Castle didn't lose time and made his way through the cops and curious civilians trying to take a peek at the crime scene, canvas officers pointing him towards Beckett and her team.

He fought the desire to cringe at the random fire shots echoing through the place; apparently they still hadn't closed the whole range. Castle frowned and picked up the pace, itching to get to Beckett while trying not to worry too much about what being could be doing to her, the memories of her previous breakdown still fresh in his mind.

Castle slowed down when he reached the west part of the range and saw that the place was crawling with cops, his eyes sweeping the area to find her. Relief and surprise washed over him when he finally spotted her standing next to Esposito and seemingly in a quiet discussion with him.

Esposito saw him first and waved him over, Beckett glancing briefly over her shoulder as Castle joined them. "Hey."

"Mornin', detectives." Castle greeted them, forcing a smile as he quickly but thoroughly looked at his partner for any sign of PTSD. Beckett noticed and narrowed her eyes at him but said nothing and instead brushed past him to go over where Ryan was talking with Lanie.

"How is she?" Castle asked when she was out of hearing distance, turning to Esposito for his answer.

The Latino detective's gaze followed his partners' movement before it shifted to the M.E., where it lingered longer than it should. "Good. I swear bro, I wouldn't lie to you about that and you know it. She's a little jumpy and short-tempered but so far we're far from how she got last time."

Castle nodded absently, trusting his friend's judgement in the matter. "Okay, good. So, what do we have here?"

"Nineteen year-old female, GSW to the chest. She also presents signs of blunt force violence, as if she had gotten into a fight before time of death." Esposito detailed as he and the writer left their spots to join the others, Castle stopping by Kate's side. "I didn't have time to bring you coffee, sorry."

Beckett turned to him and offered him a strained yet genuine smile. "It's okay, we can stop on our way back." In truth Kate was almost relieved Castle has showed up empty handed. She could still feel her hands shaking slightly and if she had managed to hide it so far, having to carry a tall cup of coffee would have given her away.

She knew by the looks everyone kept giving her when they thought she wasn't looking that they were all expecting her not to handle the situation well; she knew they were all waiting for the breakdown to arrive, just like last time, but she made sure it was unlikely to happen. The random fire shots were slowly getting to her; not as badly because she was wearing special earplugs, hidden under her loose blondish curls, but still she couldn't wait for the whole shooting range to be closed and to get out of there.

Castle seemed to feel her restlessness and Kate startled when she felt his hand on her elbow but relaxed quickly under his touch. She fought her instincts that told her to free her arm and instead let herself feel the heat radiating from her partner's touch, warming her ever cold bones.

She had denied those feelings for so long, forcefully pushing them away in a fear of opening herself up to something she wasn't ready for, that now Kate wasn't sure how to let them make their way back to her heart.

During her last session her therapist had suggested that she if she wasn't comfortable with initiating comfort touches with a person, namely a certain famous writer, she should at least try and accept them whenever it came from him. Kate had stared Dr. Burke down for several minutes after he had mentioned it, thinking he had grown crazy. She knew confessing about having felt safer when she and Castle held hands during the time they ended up being cuffed together would come back and bite her in the ass.

It hadn't been easy at first. There wasn't much physical contact between the two because Castle knew she was extra jumpy ever since the shooting, but Beckett had been determined to try. She had meant it when she told Burke she was ready to let go and move on and, as terrified as she was, she was a fighter, not a quitter.

It had begun by a brush of their fingers as Castle handed her her morning coffee, Kate moving her fingers slightly so they would touch the writer's. A few days later it had evolved into a graze of their hips when they got into the elevator and she twisted sideways to press the down button. After Castle seemed to have caught on, his touches became more and more frequent, as well as diverse: a brush of his fingers against hers, a hand to her shoulder or her arm...and Kate found out she enjoyed them, more than she would ever admit.

It was now three weeks after the tiger case and, if Castle was getting bolder with his attempts of getting closer to her, he was still cautious and overly patient. His more daring move to date had been to put his hand on her lower back as he joined her in the break room two days ago.

They had just closed a tough case and she had been lost in thought when Castle had came up behind her and stood by her side, hesitating a moment before his hand found her back, and rubbed soft circles down her spine before resting his hand on her lower back.

And she'd let him get away with it.

Just like she was currently letting him get away with his hand on her elbow, but only because the way they were standing blocked the gesture from everyone to see. Insanely attuned to the writer's body, she tensed when Castle's hand on her tightened before letting it go completely, the writer moving forward, a deep frown on his face. "What's wrong? Castle?"

Castle was crouched beside the victim, his eyes staring hard at something the others obviously had missed. "Um, nothing. I-I thought I saw something but it must've been my imagination."

No one believed him but didn't press further. Except for Beckett. "Are you sure? You look like you've seen a ghost."

"No, no I'm fine. Is there any leads?"

Lanie exchanged an odd look with the detectives and shook her head. "Bullet wound seems to be from a .38 and she was shot at point blank. She doesn't have any ID on her."

"CSU found an abandoned gun over to the south field, they're taking it to ballistics, hopefully it'll be a match." Ryan announced as he hung up his phone. "There's so many case shells around, I thought people were supposed to pick up after themselves."

"They're supposed to, but maybe they were dropped on purpose. Slow down the process of finding the right one." Esposito suggested, stepping closer to the body and the guys as well.

Castle glanced between the two, curious. "Like if the murderer couldn't find the bullet's case shell so he covered his trace by dumping a bunch of them in the area? But then why would he drop the gun on the other side of the shooting range?"

"I don't know," Ryan admitted, "that's why we need to find the girl's ID before we can move any further. I think we're ready to move her though. Beckett?"

Kate heard voices but they were dampened by the sound of her blood rushing to her head. The medication she had started taking after the sniper case, as part of the treatment her therapist had advised her to go under, had begun to help in the last couple of weeks, but they weren't miracle pills. They were enough to take the edge off, but now the edge was starting to get the best of her because she had just realized why Castle had been thrown off when he saw the body.

She hadn't notice at first, with all the blood and the complete different clothing style, but she could see it now. The long, chocolate wavy hair, strong cheekbones yet delicate features...The victim looked like the younger version of herself, and now she couldn't get the resemblance out of her mind.

Esposito was the one closest to Kate so he was the first to notice. His mind reeled when he saw the look in her eyes, knowing she was starting to feel the pressure of the case again. He knew better than to touch her so he stepped in front of her and called her name loudly and clear. "Beckett."

Kate snapped out of her thoughts to find herself eye to eye with her colleague's concerned face. He didn't say the words because he knew how she'd react if he did. Forcing herself to calm down she took a deep breath and turned to face three sets of cautiously neutral eyes. "Lanie, you can take the vic back to the morgue. Ryan, you and Espo go and take statements from people around, anyone who may have witnessed or heard something, see if anything pops out. Castle and I will put the murder board up and run the vic through the missing persons' files."

Knowing better than to argue, everyone spread out to do their job, leaving a nervous Castle with an even more anxious Beckett. They walked to the car in silence, only the sound of their breathing filling the space once they were inside. "Kate..."

"Just, just give me a minute, okay?" She asked him, glad her voice sounded steadier than she felt in reality. Kate leaned back on her seat and closed her eyes, blocking Castle's intense stare on her. Her hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly her knuckles were turning white.

Kate was slowing getting her breathing back under control when a warm hand snaked its way between her fingers, gently prying them away from the wheel. The detective peeled an eye open and watched their joined hands, emotions swirling in her eyes. Unable to find her words she sighed, which made Castle squeeze her fingers tighter.

"I know." The man turned sideways in his seat so he could face her and gave her a small grin. "Take all the time you need."

The detective shot a look at her surroundings, noting that most of the people were gone or about to leave. Taking one last breath and feeling satisfied when it came easier than before, Kate relaxed in her seat and started the engine, taking back her hand almost regretfully back from Castle.

The writer noticed and he waited for the car to be at a red light to gently lay his hand on her thigh. She shot him a nervous look from the corner of her eye but didn't brush him off. She could do this. They could do this. "So. Coffee?"

Kate straightened on her seat and shot Castle a grateful smile. "Coffee."

* * *

><p>"Here, give me your coat." Castle moved and gestured for Kate to remove her jacket as they entered the man's loft, watching her hesitate a second before shedding her black sheepskin coat and handing it to the man. She stood by the door awkwardly while her jacket and purse joined the rest of the family's outdoor clothes, the closet door closing making her feel as if it was closing on herself.<p>

"Shall we?" Kate swallowed back a sigh and obediently followed the writer in the kitchen even though she was having second thoughts about accepting to come over to have dinner with him. But, as she remembered the day she had, she was dreading the idea of heading back to her apartment alone. Memories of what happened last time swirled through her mind, making her terrified of being alone.

The case wasn't as bad as the sniper one, but it was still feeling like hell. They had found the victim's identity soon after getting back to the precinct. Victoria Stanford, nineteen, NYU student, no known enemies. They had spent the day interrogating her family and friends but nothing had stood out, and the mystery of why the young woman had been found at a shooting range hadn't been explained yet.

It was about three when Beckett had snapped at Ryan. She hadn't mean to but by then she was tired, her head was throbbing and the concerned looks he kept sending her way had put her on edge, and him suggesting her to go get some rest had been the last straw. The look on his and Esposito's faces had the effect of a cold shower on her, and Beckett managed to mumble an apology, agreeing with the men before hastily grabbing her coat and leave.

Of course Castle was already waiting for her when she got out of the elevator, having run down the flights of stairs judging by the way he was panting and, somehow, succeeded in convincing her to come home with him. She could tell he had been as surprised as her when she accepted without too much of a fuss. But then again being alone in her apartment upset her more than being alone with Castle, so it had been an easy decision until now.

Kate was once again snapped back to reality when a hand landed on her shoulder and she found herself staring into gentle deep blue eyes. "Hey."

"Yeah, sorry. I guess I kind of zoned out."

Castle smiled easily as he released her and went back to the counter, where he kept his wine glasses. "Want a glass of wine?"

"Yeah," She answered quickly before frowning. Alcohol wasn't allowed with the medication she was in. 'Damn.' "Um, actually, no. No thanks."

Castle turned to her in surprise, one glass already half full. "You sure? I just got this Bordeaux 1980, it is to die for."

Kate clenched her jaw and lowered her eyes briefly before settling on anything but Castle. "I'm sure, thanks but no thank you."

"Would you prefer champagne? A beer or even cider, maybe?" Castle offered but stopped at the look on the detective's face. "Kate what is it,?" He was confused until something went through his mind and he almost choked on air, his face paling. Now that he thought of it, it had been a while since he had seen her drink anything. "Are...are you?"

Kate pursed her lips and was about to throw a random excuse in the air to explain when his words caught up with her."What? No! How could you even think that? I haven't been on a date in months!"

"How could I not? I just...I don't know, sorry." He said lamely, suddenly feeling foolish. "Does it have something to do with your father?"

"No." This was not how it was supposed to go. Castle had promised her there wouldn't be any heavy talk, or any talk at all if she didn't want to. He'd lured her into spending the evening with him because she thought it'd be better than to be stuck at home with her thoughts, but apparently she had been wrong.

She considered evading the question, hoping Castle wouldn't dare pushing the issue in case she'd make a run for it, but judging by the way he was looking at her he wouldn't go wouldn't without a fight."Where's the space and time you gave me last time this happened, Castle? I thought I heard you promising me a 'worry-free' evening. _This"_, she waved between them, "is not exactly what I had in mind."

"I am not pressuring you into anything, Kate, and if you don't want to talk about it I won't press the issue." He softly told her as he closed the distance between them, close enough to discern the green speckles in her currently anxious sienna eyes, but without touching her. "But, if you want to talk, about anything and I mean _anything_, you know you can talk to me."

Castle remained silent as he witnessed the woman's inner war, hating the fact that he couldn't even guess how a simple question about a glass of wine could have degenerated into a sudden gripping fear of seeing the woman he loved flee out of his loft.

His fear came true when she seemingly came to a decision, turning on her heels to exit the kitchen. "Kate, wait!"

She was already close to the front closer when he joined her, his hand grabbing her wrist. "Please wait, okay? Don't go."

Kate lifted a confused gaze on him as she glanced from the closet and her restrained wrist. "What? I'm not leaving, Castle. I just needed my purse."

"Oh."

He watched closely the detective pulling her purse out of the closet and clutching it protectively, uncertainty still coming off in waves from her. "Kate, if you're not comfortable with-"

"No, it's okay."

Kate brushed past Castle and went to the living room, needing to be sitting for this. Her stomach was painfully tied in knots and she felt as if her heart was about to come out of her chest, but still she sat on the couch with the purse on her knees and waited for the writer to join her.

One last look at Castle was all she needed. His gaze was warm and kind, open to whatever she might throw his way, and for it she was grateful. A distant part of her brain made her realize that her therapist would be proud of her for taking another step forward, and suddenly she couldn't wait to be closer to the kind of person she ultimately wanted to be. She wanted Castle to be proud of her too.

Castle sat patiently next to the detective, their knees touching whenever one of them moved or shifted on the piece of furniture. He could see that Kate was still struggling with her decision so he gently reached and rest his hand on her knee, giving it a small squeeze. "Like a band-aid, remember?"

Kate nodded and, still seeming at a loss for words, chose to peek inside her purse, clearly looking for something in particular. She tensed when her hand finally found what she was looking for, as it stilled in the bag for a moment. One last nervous shot at the man before her and she slowly pulled her hand out of the bag and handed Castle something.

The writer took it without hesitation, noted it was two small half filled bottles. He stared at them in confusion until he read the label and realized Kate's name were on them. His eyes quickly searched for specific words, his mind going simultaneously blank and in overdrive as he read the names over and over, not recognizing them but knowing they were some kind of anti-anxiety medication.

The detective's behavior from the last weeks was suddenly making sense. The tiredness presented before she started showing a more subdue part of her weren't a mystery for Castle anymore. "I...how-um...when-"

"Right after the sniper case." Kate said, holding the writer's surprised gaze. She wasn't sure of what she was seeing in his eyes and it made her nervous. Castle was usually pretty easy to read but the fact that she couldn't now unnerved her.

Castle fiddled with the bottles, overwhelmed by the news. He was hurt that Beckett had kept it from him, but he couldn't be mad, on the contrary. He was glad, relieved that she decided she needed help and, most importantly, that is was okay to seek it. "I'm glad you went to see someone, Kate. You shouldn't have to keep it all in, so it's good that there's someone you can talk to."

Kate glanced at the ceiling, inwardly wincing for the hurt she heard in Castle's voice. That's what she was afraid of, that he'd take personally her decision to not confide in him and choosing to go to someone else. "Castle...Rick." She ushered and cleared her throat to find her voice. The man's serious gaze snapped back to her when she used his first name, something she rarely did. "I've been...I've been seeing someone for a while now. Not only since the case."

"Oh...when?"

"Since I came back to work and couldn't hold my gun without shaking. Since..since you've asked me to let go of my mother's case."

Castle's eyes widened at her admission, speechless. "Kate, I...I don't know what to say. I-I'm sorry."

Kate stared at him blankly, her head tilting on the side as she looked at him without blinking. "Why? I'm the one who decided to go back, Castle. You're not at fault here."

"But..."

"No, no but. I somehow had managed to convince myself I was ready to go back to work as if nothing happened, but I wasn't and you've actually helped made me realize that. You shouldn't be apologizing, Castle, if anything I should be the one thanking you."

Castle shook his head, stubbornly refusing to hear her. "I didn't do anything. I couldn't even help you with the sniper case, it was Esposito who did everything."

Kate rolled her eyes and let a smile grin grace her lips before speaking again. "Like you didn't breathed down Espo's neck and kept telling him to do something since I wouldn't let you? Yeah, I know it was you. Javi did the talking but I knew he did it because you asked him."

"And for the record, by not helping, you did help, more than you realize." She smiled genuinely at him at that, and the look on Castle's face made her heart twist with need and desire. His smile was gentle yet bright and his eyes...they were shining with so much pride Kate barely refrained herself to lean in and brush their lips together to get a taste of what being proud of someone would be like. Instead the moment was crushed as the detective let out a huge yawn, making Castle chuckle. "Sorry."

"It's okay. Do you want to take a nap before dinner?" Castle asked even as Kate stifled another yawn. "No, I'm good."

Castle knew better than to argue back, not if he wanted to get her to rest. "Oh!" He shouted out of nowhere, startling Beckett so bad their knees bumped against each other. "Jeez, Castle! Am I not jumpy enough as it is?"

"Sorry," He apologized guiltily as he reached out for the remotes and turned the tv and Blu-ray player on, "I just remembered the I popped the first Ice Age in last night but didn't get around to watch it. We could watch it now and make dinner after?"

Kate watched the movie menu on screen, transfixed. She had watched that movie countless times over the summer, wishing to have someone, whose name rhymed with 'hassle', to watch it with her.

Feeling the waves of high stress slowly leaving her body, Kate relaxed and made herself more comfortable on the couch. "Could we have popcorn with it?"

"Of course." Castle smiled brightly, enjoying the warm tone of the woman's voice as he nodded and left, coming back a few minutes later with freshly popped popcorn, bags of skittles and beverages. "There you go, popcorn for the lady."

"Thank you."

There was a small hesitation before Castle's voice piped in. "Come here."

Kate jumped and glanced at Castle, confused. "What?"

Castle sighed. "Hugs are great stress relievers, and so is watching a movie snuggled close to a friend."

Kate glared and gave the writer the evil eye as she pulled her legs under her. "We are not going to snuggle, Castle."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Why? This case is already taking its toll on me, so I can't even imagine what it's doing to you, even with...the help you're getting." The man cautiously advanced, "Can't we just relax in front of a movie and not have to worry for the rest of the day?"

"And we need to 'snuggle' for that to happen?" Kate raised an eyebrow, but she wasn't as dreadful looking as Castle had feared.

"Yes, I believe it is mandatory. Besides, I'm not doing this for you, really you'd be doing me a favor."

Kate snorted at that, clearly not believing him. "Come on Castle, you're a famous writer, can't you come up with a better excuse than that?"

"You know what, you're right, never mind." Castle grumbled as he stretched his legs on the coffee table and started the movie, choosing to ignore the detective. He wasn't mad, but he didn't have the strength to fight anymore. If she decided that today casual touches were off the table all of a sudden, arguing wouldn't help matters.

They watched the movie in silence, popcorn being eaten the only sound occasionally heard. Both kept glancing at each other when they thought the other wasn't looking but neither moved.

The movie had been going for less than ten minutes when Castle felt Kate shift beside him.

The woman put the half empty bowl of popcorn on the table and took a sip of her glass of water, aware that she was being observed. There was a slight hesitation as she leaned back in her seat, a few more seconds of shifting before Castle felt her head on his shoulder.

The man froze, not knowing what the boundaries were anymore at that exact moment. Could he snake his arms around her waist and hold her tight, was he supposed to wrap an arm around her shoulders, or wasn't he supposed to do anything?

Kate rolled her eyes and smirked at the thoughts that were most likely to be swirling in her partner's head. "Stop thinking and hold me, Castle."

Castle grinned like a five year-old on Christmas morning although he tried to hide it, and slowly moved his arm around the detective's waist to bring her closer to him. His hand stopped over Kate's stomach while the other took hold of her hand before it snaked higher to rest over her heart so he could feel her steady heartbeat.

The man swallowed back a moan when Kate shifted closer until she found a comfortable position, her contented sigh bringing a sharp twinge to his heart. Castle remained silent even if the only thing on his mind was how badly he wanted to kiss her and melt into her, to keep her safe from her inner demons. He had to remind himself that they were making progress, that rushing would only add fuel to the fire and ruin the moment. On that hopeful note, Castle made himself comfortable on the oversized couch and tightened his hold on the slender woman as he rested his chin on her shoulder.

Kate's body slumped against the writer's less than fifteen minutes later as she fell asleep in Castle's arms, her face unconsciously snuggling closer to his chest. Castle smiled and reached for the blanket on the back of the couch and covered her with it as she dozed, her body completely relaxed and at ease.

Castle always considered Kate Beckett to be a beautiful woman but, as she lay asleep in his arms, her face peaceful and almost serene, the man thought she was strikingly gorgeous, even with dark circles under her eyes and her still recovering, too thin body.

As Manny and Sid bickered on screen, Castle savored the sensation of Kate's proximity and warmth against him. Pushing his luck, he pressed a soft kiss down on her temple and got rewarded when she reacted with a contented sigh.

He could do this. They could do this, because there was nothing in this world he wouldn't do for her. He'd just have to prove it to her.

* * *

><p><em>Sorry it's taken me so long to post, real life kind of got in the way. Graduating from college can do that to you, it seems. Updates should be more regular now that I have lots of free time on my hand. Merry Christmas!<em>


	5. Chapter 5

Feeling good today, so I am updating both Coffees and Bricks, and Arise. Thanks to everyone reviewing and favoriting, etc. It makes my day!

* * *

><p>Kate was still asleep two hours later when Castle put the last touch to their dinner, while Alexis was finishing mixing up the salad. "Are you going to let her sleep through dinner?"<p>

The teenager had arrived an hour before and, if she had been surprised to found the detective asleep on their couch, she hadn't said anything. It didn't take a genius to know that the woman was going through a rough time, and if spending time with them at the loft was making her feel better, than Alexis was all for it.

Castle sighed as he shot the couch a look, hesitating at what he should be doing. "Maybe I should let her sleep a bit more."

Alexis caught her father's look and smirked, grabbing the salad and walked to the dining room table. "She's been sleeping for over three hours, dad. Are you afraid?"

"Me? Afraid of a tiny, sleeping woman? Who am I kidding, I'm terrified." Castle whispered in his daughter's ear, grinning. "Be a good girl and go tell her dinner's ready."

"What? She's your girl- um, your friend, you go." Alexis stammered and pushed her father to the living room, putting an end to the discussion. "She needs to eat, dad, so go while I put everything on the table."

Castle rolled his eyes but obeyed nonetheless and resolutely closed the distance separating him from his partner. She hadn't even moved from the last time he had checked on her, and that was telling the man just how much she had been pushing herself to the limits ever since coming back to work.

The man wasn't kidding himself, he knew there was more to Kate's problems than she was letting on, and he was willing to bet that sleep was one of them.

As he watched her sleep, he wondered what he could do to help. She had therapists to help with the rational and the physical part of what had happened to her and, if she and Dr. Burke were probably working on her emotional issues as well, it killed Castle to know that the woman he loved went back to her apartment alone to deal with everything day after day.

He didn't know what to do, but he could at least make sure she had at least one homemade meal in her today. His eyes drinking in the woman's peaceful features one last time, Castle reached out and ran small circles over Kate's hand as he tried to wake her up calmly. "Kate?"

He had to repeat her name two more times but the detective's eyelids finally fluttered open, her eyes darker than usual and completely unguarded. It took Castle everything to keep himself from running a hand through her slightly mussed hair and lie down on the couch with her, and have her in his arms again. "Hey."

"Hey. I fell asleep?"

"Yeah, you did. I'm beginning to think you've accepted my offer only to have a comfy couch to take a nap on." Castle chuckled and fell back on his butt as he moved back to avoid getting slapped by the detective's hand. "I'm sorry, Castle, I didn't mean to."

"The nap or the slap?" Castle smiled as he realized his hand was still clutching Kate's, and that neither of them seemed to be willing to let go. "Do you feel better?"

Kate took a deep breath and moved to sit up, frowning as Castle used their joined hands to help her up. "Yeah, actually."

"Then it's all good. Why, you seem surprised?"

"I don't...it's nothing, I don't really sleep well these days, that's all." Kate dismissed the comment with a wave of the hand and tried to get up but Castle tugged on her hand, pulling her back on the couch. "I don't mean to pry and please tell me if it's none of my business, but couldn't you...ask for something, you know to...help?"

Kate sighed and glanced at the window to her left, noting with a frown that it was dark out. Just how long as she been out? "I do have something but I don't like taking them unless I really have to, they completely knock me out when I take them."

"Like that day you weren't answering your phone and it freaked the hell out of us?" Castle gently brought up after a moment, remembering one morning a few weeks back when Esposito had called him to meet on a case only to be told once on the scene that Beckett couldn't be reached. The man had been about to jump in a cab when the Latino detective's cell rang with Lanie on the line saying that she was over at Kate's and that she was fine, just exhausted and hadn't heard her phone.

"Yeah." Kate omitted to reveal that she hadn't taken anymore of those pills ever since because she'd rather deal with insomnia and nightmares than to put through her friends through that kind of worry again.

"Oh. Okay. So I guess Lanie knows too then?"

"Yeah. But she won't say anything to the boys or Gates, so the same goes for you. Not. A. Word."

Castle nodded although keeping secrets from his friends, especially Esposito, felt wrong. "Trust my word, I won't talk." He promised with a squeeze of her hand before pulling her up to her feet. "So, hungry? Alexis and I made dinner."

Kate froze at the mention of his daughter. Both women were talking again but it was still awkward between them, as if they didn't know how to act around each other. At least it's how Kate felt, with the way the teenager had spoken to her the last time they had been alone. "Alexis?"

Castle looked around in the kitchen, where her daughter was nowhere to be found. "Yeah, she must be in her bedroom or something, she was putting everything on the table when I came to wake you up. Alexis?"

Castle missed Kate's cringe at his loud voice and stood awkwardly beside the table, waiting for the man and his daughter to show up. Alexis trotted down the stairs moments later, phone in her hand. "Sorry, Paige had a question about our algebra homework. Hey Kate, I hope you're hungry because my dad made way too much, as usual."

"Starving." Kate admitted as she sat in front of Alexis and to Castle's left side, the teenager's casual and friendly greeting throwing her off a little. "So, you're taking algebra this semester? I hated every math, algebra and statistic class I had to take in college, I sucked at them."

Alexis smiled as they all started digging in their plates. "I'm not too fond of them either, but our teacher, Mr. Melville, is really great and he uses all kind of fun examples to makes it easier to understand."

"That sounds like fun. In my time it was 'learn, don' talk' and 'don't fall asleep in class if you didn't want to end up in detention for a month'."

Castle laughed and poked Beckett in the arm and retreating before she had a chance to retaliate. "Yes, because you are so old. Now if you told me you had to get up at the break of dawn and walked for hours to go to school and had to learn in borrowed, musty old books, now that would make you old."

"Oh, you mean like in your time, dad?"

Kate's laugh echoed through the kitchen, as well as in the Castles' hearts.

* * *

><p>Esposito and Ryan were in separate rooms questioning suspects by the time Beckett made it to the precinct the next morning, not long after nine. Letting them do their jobs she leaned against her desk and set her eyes on the murder board, studying every new detail that was added after her abrupt departure the day before.<p>

From what the detectives had found so far, prime suspects were Victoria's ex-girlfriend Jessie Rowlands and Jessie's brother Thomas. Both girls had been seen fighting a lot over the past couple of weeks before Victoria broke things up, and Thomas Rowlands was known from the law enforcement for previous assaults, death threats and trespassing, as well as being over protective of his sister.

Beckett was still memorizing the board when Esposito came up behind her an hour later, a thick file in his hands. "Beckett."

"Esposito." She greeted him softly, "got any new leads?"

The Latino detective handed her the file and went to the board, taking Jessie's picture and removed it from the suspect side. "The ex-girlfriend's alibi checked out. She was at work during time of death and has several witnesses that can confirm it. Ryan is still with the brother but his alibi sounds strong too."

"Do we know why she was at the shooting range?"

"None so far but we're still looking into it." He stopped and watched her intently, surprised when she only held his stare for a few seconds before looking away. "Okay."

"We're about to go and interrogate her professors and students, see if anyone knows or saw something."

Kate glanced at her colleague and nodded, taking the file to her desk to finish reading it. "Beckett?"

"Javi, I'm fine, I promise." The detective locked eyes with her friend and let him stare as much as he wanted to, not shying away this time. The man must have seen something he liked because he graced her with a small grin as he leaned on her desk. "Care about going back to school?"

* * *

><p>The powerful smell of ammonia and bleach assaulted Castle as he made his way to the morgue. Lanie had texted him and since he had some time to kill since Beckett and Esposito had gone to questioned students at NYU, he decided to take advantage of the impromptu time alone to pay the M.E. a visit.<p>

The autopsy room was empty when he came in, and the girl's body was nowhere in sight either. Castle was looking around and, bored, texted Beckett to see what she was doing. "Hey, writer-boy."

"Gah! You don't sneak up on people in a room full of dead bodies!" Castle snapped around and almost dropped his phone as he glared at Lanie for scaring the heck out of him.

Lanie smirked and shrugged, happy to have startled the man. "What are you doing here, Castle?"

It was Castle's turn to shrug. "You tell me, you're the one who texted me."

Lanie stared at him, her eyes suddenly serious. "Is Kate okay?"

Castle didn't know where to start; he hesitated about voicing the shock he had when he first saw the body in case she'd think he was crazy. And as for Kate... "Yeah, she is. But why don't you ask her yourself?"

"She won't talk, you know that. You both left the scene yesterday, Castle, and from the looks of it it took you guys long enough to actually leave the place. It didn't look like she was okay to me."

"It's not as bad as last time, Lanie. She's not 'fine' fine, but she's dealing. We talked last night. She told me... about still seeing a therapist."

Castle thought he saw relief flash through the M.E.'s eyes but it was gone so fast he couldn't be sure. "She talked to you?"

"Yeah." Castle was exhausting again, the conversation bringing back the heartfelt discussion he had with the woman he loved last night. He debated about what he could tell Lanie, not wanting to break Kate's trust, but also knowing that the doctor was as worried at him about her friend. "I managed to convince her to come home to have dinner with Alexis and I and the talking kind of happened after she had to refuse the drink I was offering her."

Lanie's gaze startled and met the writer's. "She told you about...?"

Castle shook his head, recalling the day before. "She showed them to me. She said they're helping but I think part of why she got so upset at the precinct yesterday was because they didn't work as much as she want them to. Did you know she was wearing earplugs at the range yesterday?"

"I was wondering about that because her hearing wasn't as sharp as usual but no, I didn't know. Javi told me about her biting Ryan's head off after." Lanie admitted in concern. "Wait, she went home with you?"

"Yes. She even took a nap for a couple of hours and ate almost as much as me, which is a tremendous improvement from last time, if you ask me." Castle hoped he wasn't overstepping Kate's trust, but he knew that Lanie was worried as everyone else, if not more. He kept to himself the fact that the detective had napped in his arms, but he didn't see the harm in sharing good news with his friend.

Judging by the bright eyes and the pleased grin Lanie graced him with, he had made the right decision to tell her. "Don't repeat any of this to her though, my safe word can only take me so far."

Lanie laughed and quirked an eyebrow at the man. "Safe word, huh?"

Castle could still hear her laugh through the basement's hallways as he left in search for his favorite detective, a grin on his face.

* * *

><p>"Is it me or this is just one big waste of time?"<p>

"It's not just you," Beckett agreed on Esposito's dry words, sighing tiredly. They had just spent the last two hours running around NYU's campus and the main building where Victoria Stanford attended her classes with no concrete results. "Did we talk to everyone?"

"Um, yeah everyone but Damian Walberg. He's a TA in the vic's contemporary lit class; Jessie Rowlands said that he had a crush on Victoria for a while until she told he wasn't her...type."

"Oh. Talk about awkward." Beckett frowned and glanced down as her phone vibrated against her thigh. There was a message from Lanie, asking her to have lunch with her. She typed an apology before biting her lip and deleting everything, starting over. She quickly answered that she'd meet the M.E. in an hour before she chickened out and shoved her phone back in her pocket.

Esposito was watching her closely when she turned back to him, his gaze loaded. "What?"

Kate figured out in no time what the man was doing and glared in annoyance. "Cut it out, Espo."

"What?"

"I know what you're doing! I'm fine, okay? Stop looking at me like I'm going to lose it again unless you really want me to go psycho."

The detective closed the distance separating him from Beckett and locked eyes with her. "That wasn't why I was looking at you. I was about to talk to you about Lanie."

"Oh." Kate blushed and was suddenly mortified about her outburst. She had just showed how unstable she still felt to her colleague and surrogate brother and wished she could take it back, but from the concern in Esposito's dark eyes, there was no way he was going to act as if nothing had happened. "Javi, please..."

Esposito opened his mouth to talk but a movement to his left caught his eye. About twenty feet away was Damian Walberg, busy chatting and laughing with a small group of girls. "Beckett?"

Both set of eyes checked the small picture in the Latino detective's phone before sharing a glance. At 6'2", 195 pounds and bright red hair, Damian Walberg was easy enough to spot.

One short, silent discussion between the two detectives and they walked in the TA's direction, splitting as they reached an alcove, Beckett going straight for the student while Esposito rounded the alcove to the right in case the man made a run for it. "Damian Walberg?"

Green eyes snapped to Beckett and stood still as she walked closer. "Damian, I'm detective Kate Beckett, NYPD. I have a couple of questions to ask you regarding the death of Victoria Stanford... Hey!"

Kate had barely finished talking that the man fled, his school bag swaying on his back. She rolled her eyes as she took off after him, more than pissed. She couldn't understand why people kept making a run from the police every time they were being asked questions, thinking they could escape.

Both detectives drew their weapons and sprinted, quickly gaining ground on the suspect despite both of them being shorter, and one of them wearing four-inch heels. Choruses of 'sorry', 'out of the way' and 'police' echoed through the campus as Kate and Esposito raced the suspect, students getting out of the way but no one attempting anything to stop him.

Walberg pushed the people in his way to buy some time but he must have felt the cops closing on him because he suddenly turned left and ran along the building, aiming for the flight of stairs that would take him straight down into the crowded street.

What he hadn't planned was that Beckett was much faster than he could have anticipated. Kate had seen where he was headed and gave a final push as she tried to catch him before he reached the stairs, knowing she wouldn't be able to follow him without stumbling and breaking her neck on the concrete. She was quickly gaining ground on him, the countless hours spent over the last months running and training to get back to her original strength making her in better shape than ever.

What Kate hadn't planned was for Damian to suddenly drop his bag pack just before getting to the flight of stairs. By the time he abandoned his bag the detective was less than six feet away from him. Horror flashed before Kate's eyes as she was unable to stop or jump to avoid the bag.

She half jumped, half tripped on it just as Esposito shouted her name. The speed she had gained during her run came back to bite her in the ass as she was propelled forward and directly into Damian's back, both of them crashing down the concrete stairs.

Esposito had seen the bag falling off the suspect's back and knew his friend wouldn't have time to avoid it. Walkie-talkie already in hand, his fingers blindly searched and found the call button, yelling into the mike as he reached the stairs and jumped them three at a time. He quickly requested two ambulances and yelled their current position.

There was already a small crowd forming on the street where the two had landed and the Latino detective could see Walberg trying to get up, but there was no sign of Beckett. "NYPD! Police! Get out of the way now!"

Esposito saw two cops on horses racing their way to them as he jumped the last stairs and ran the remaining distance to where he finally spotted his boss and friend, lying on the ground five feet away from their suspect. The man's heart twisted at the sight of blood. "Beckett!"

Damian was still trying to crawl away, but Esposito grabbed him by the collar and shoved him back on the ground. "You stay there or I will shoot you."

Quickly kneeling to next to Beckett, the man cringed and put his hands close to the woman without touching her, not wanting to hurt her furthermore. "Beckett. Kate?"

Kate was curled up on her bad side, one arm still cradling her head and the other holding her ribcage tightly. Her hands were raw and bloodied, as well as one of her leg and she had a gash on her forehead running down her hairline. Esposito would've thought she had been knocked unconscious if it hadn't been for her ragged breathing and her whole features scrunched up in pain. "Kate? Kate!"


	6. Chapter 6

DISCLAIMER: Just a sad reminder that I do not own anything regarding the Castleverse.

* * *

><p>Horrid flashbacks raced through Castle's mind as he jogged through the hospital hallways until he found the waiting room where Esposito, Ryan and Lanie were already occupying. "How is she?"<p>

Esposito stood and handed the writer Kate's badge, knowing he would take great care of it. "They're checking her out right now, they said something about an MRI to see if she needed surgery or not."

"Surgery? What the hell happened? I thought you were going to see kids at NYU!" Castle shouted, upset and terrified. Nothing could happen to her again, or he would not survive it.

"We were, but the last guy we had run away so we chased him. Beckett was faster than me and then the kid changed directions to flee through the west side entrance and the punk dropped his bag at Beckett's feet. She tripped on it and they both flew down stairs." The detective told the story for the fifth time in the last hour. Only Kate's father hadn't been called because she had begged him in the ambulance, saying that it wasn't necessary and that she'd called her herself later.

Castle's head was spinning so he went and sat down next to Lanie, who was staring blankly at her phone with tears in her eyes. "How badly is she hurt?"

Esposito sighed and took his seat back as well, the adrenaline finally fading and leaving him exhausted. "The paramedics weren't sure yet. It could only be bruises and bumps just like she could have broken ribs or a broken arm, or a concussion. They wouldn't talk until further tests were done. The kid took most of the fall though, so there's always that."

"Yeah, I guess." Castle fell silent and waited quietly, completely drained. Only the sounds of cell phones chiming or vibrating disrupted the loaded silence until a young male doctor knocked on the doorframe over an hour later, startling them. "Family of Katherine Beckett?"

Everyone stood as once and nodded. "Is she okay?" Lanie was the one to ask, unable to stand the silence anymore.

"She will be fine, her condition didn't require any surgery." Dr. Lanfield announced and paused as smiles and shaky breaths of relief were released. "She was extremely lucky considering she hasn't broken anything. She has a mild concussion, two of her ribs are cracked and she sprained her left wrist, but other than that it's mostly bruises, bumps and scrapes. We'll keep her until tonight just to make sure the concussion doesn't evolve in something more serious but if not, she'll be discharged. Is there someone living with her? She won't be able to do much for the next week or so, so she is going to need around the clock help."

All eyes turned to Castle, the man being the only one capable of working from home. "I'd be more than glad to take her home with me but I don't have any sick days left and we're swamped at work right now." Lanie apologized, genuinely sorry to not be able to offer her best friend her hospitality.

"I would love nothing more than to have her home with us but I'm not sure she's going to be as excited about the news as I am." Castle frowned at the idea of confronting Kate about offering to take care of her for a while.

Lanie pursed her lips as she recalled the conversation she had only hours before with the writer. He had been pushed away last time when Kate had holed herself at her father's cabin, but it wouldn't work this time, not if she could help it. If someone could finally help her and support her, it was him and no one else. "I'll talk to her."

* * *

><p>"Oh my god, you're here!" Alexis exclaimed as the door to Castle's loft opened around eight that night, revealing an extremely sore and slowly moving Beckett and a more than patient writer at her side. "You okay?"<p>

Kate rolled her eyes and nodded but it wasn't fooling anyone. Every step she was taking seemed more painful than the previous one, and her darkened eyes were glassy under the power of the painkillers she had been given at the hospital.

Castle exchanged a look with his daughter and the teenager sprang into action, quickly closing the door and moving to the kitchen where pots of coffee and tea had been made. "Would you like to drink something, det- Kate? I made coffee, tea, but there's also water, juice, milk, soda-"

"Thanks, Alexis but I think I should head to bed. I have a feeling this is just going to get worse tomorrow." Kate smiled softly but even doing that was putting a strain on her. "Castle..."

"Lanie should be here any minute to help in case you want to take a shower, and help change. And I'm afraid you won't get much sleep tonight, we need to check you every few hours because of your concussion." The man told her gently, reaching for her when she swayed on her feet but moved his hand lower when he inadvertently pressed his fingers in her bruised arm, making her gasp. "I'm sorry, I'm really sorry!"

"Can I sit?" Kate ignored the concerned looks she got from the Castle household and wished she could go to bed and curled up under warm covers until her body stopped hurting like hell. She sighed gratefully when she reached the kitchen and sat on a chair, letting her head slump against the cold, smooth surface of the table.

She debated asking Castle to call Lanie and instead have him help her with changing because even she wasn't stupid enough to think she could pull it on her own, but she wasn't sure she was ready to go there with him yet. That and she knew he was most likely to freak out when he'd see her battered body and she didn't want to worry him.

Kate sighed again, upset at the idea of getting another sleepless night. "I guess I'll have coffee then." She muttered against the table, startling when a gentle hand made its way through her unruly locks. "Mmm."

Castle heard the knock on the door but let Alexis get it. He was not going to let the woman alone for a second, even if it was to go just a few feet away. "Kate?"

The detective didn't open her eyes, instead releasing a low grunt to show him that she was listening. "Your coffee's on the table and...Lanie's here."

He glanced up to see the M.E. coming their way, an unreadable look on her face when she saw how close he was to Kate, his hand still in her hair. "Hey."

"Hey." She greeted him as she walked to Kate's other side and kneeled down next to her friend. "Hey sweetie, ready to go for a shower or a bath?"

Kate didn't look up immediately, bracing herself for having to move again. "Okay."

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes and one very awkward moment for the detective later, she was soaking in a warm, lavender-scented bubble bath. Her back was too sore to lie directly against the hard surface so Lanie had folded a towel and placed it behind her to cushion the impact but, overall, it wasn't making much of a difference, every nerve and muscle in her body screaming their every move.<p>

The water helped relaxed her cramped muscles, but with the soothing also came the pain. Kate could still feel every point of impact on her body, impregnated on her seemingly forever. The detective had her eyes closed but peeled them open soon as she waited for her friend to explode.

Lanie had been quiet so far, asking few questions, her touch gentle and helpful. But Kate knew that under that control was a storm waiting to attack. She wanted to tease her, lure the M.E. into giving in and yell so they could get it over with but there was something the shorter woman that unnerved the cop and felt like the worse thing she could do right now was to try and lighten things up. "Do you want to wash your hair?"

Kate didn't have the heart to tell her that she already did that morning so she wordlessly agreed. By the time Lanie was finished she was halfway sleeping in the tub, and Kate was startled when her uninjured hand, that had been steadying her, moved and Kate slipped in the soapy water before she had time to grab anything to hold on to.

"Kate, what the hell?" Lanie shouted as she helped her up, her sleeves dripping wet after the impromptu dipping in the water to rescue her friend.

Kate coughed and blinked repeatedly to clear her eyes, her heart pounding loudly in her chest and sharp, pulsing pain shooting throughout her body. "My hand slipped, sorry."

The detective's eyes snapped up to her friend's face when she heard a choked sob, her heart constricting at the sight of tears in Lanie's eyes. "Lanie?"

The woman's soft and insecure voice was so unusual from her normally strong and confident tone was the last straw for the medical examiner and she began to cry as she kneeled by the tub under Kate's shocked look. "Lanie, please don't cry, okay? Please talk to me."

"You!"

"Me?" Kate froze, stricken. Why was the woman crying about her? "Lanie, come on hon, talk to me?"

Kate suddenly wished she hadn't insisted for her to talk because when Lanie did look at her, the pain and anger in her eyes tore at the detective's insides. "You want me to talk? What the hell were you thinking, huh? Everybody keeps making jokes about your shoes and your freaking insane heels, but shouldn't you know better by now? I don't know what keeps me from going to your place and throw them all away!"

"What? No, no no no, you can't do that!" Kate shrieked, ignoring the strain it put on her ribs. "It's not my fault that jerk threw his bag at me!"

"If you haven't been wearing them you would've had time to stop!"

As much as she wanted to, Kate couldn't argue with that specific fact. "What the hell is this all about, Lanie?"

Lanie wiped the tears from her cheeks and stared her best friend down until she was squirming under her loaded gaze. "Do you have any idea how terrified I was when you were late for lunch, and when I got a phone call from Javi saying you had been hurt again? Every freaking worse-case scenarios raced through my mind on my way to the hospital! I kept thinking about what if you had broken your neck, or your back, or what if you had fractured your skull and suffered a traumatic head injury? You crashed down over thirty steps made out of concrete, Kate! You could've died again!"

Shameful tears filled Kate's eyes and no matter how much she blinked or tried to wipe her eyes, for one tear she dried another five came to take its place. She felt horrible when she realized what she had put her friends, her real family, through. "Again?" She whispered the word but as it left her lips, flashes of what Castle told her when she came back to town spun through her mind. 'I watched you die in that ambulance.'

"You may not remember, or choose to _not_ remember about that, Kate, but you died that day. You died when your heart stopped in the ambulance and I had to perform CPR on you, praying we would make it to the hospital in time, and you died again on the OR table. Only this time it took them close to ten minutes before they were able to convince your heart to start beating on his own again." Lanie told her with a sharp, scared voice.

"You cannot do this to me again, you hear me? Because if I ever have to resuscitate you again, it'll be so I can kill you for making us go through that again. So now you need to promise me that from now on you will be more careful and stop pulling stupid stunts like you did today."

"I'm a cop, Lanie, you know I can't promise that." Kate tried to argue but Lanie wouldn't hear any of it.

"I know you're a cop, sweetie and as much as I'd want you to promise me that you'll never get hurt again, we both know it would be a big, fat lie. What you can promise me however is that you will stop putting yourself in danger when it can be avoided, like today, or when you and writer-boy decides to go off the grid on a hunch and almost end up being eaten by a tiger."

Kate rolled her eyes and sighed. She and Castle still got teased and glared at because of their last rogue investigation. "Lanie...please, this isn't the time of the place to have this discussion."

Lanie shot her a pointed look, warning clear in her eyes. "Why not? I have all night and I don't see you getting out of there by yourself, so either you promise or we'll stay here until you do."

"Blackmail when I'm injured? Really, Lanie? That's low."

"Not as low as the water keeping you warm, nor the bubbles keeping you from showing off anything."

"Lanie!"

"Your choice, girl. Either you promise or you are on your own. Or..." She stopped as her eyes took an odd glint. "You could ask writer-boy to help you out of the tub. I bet he'd be glad to get to do that while the place ain't on fire for once."

The mortified look that met Lanie reminded her of a younger Beckett, the one who spent so much time being flustered and annoyed at the writer after they first teamed up. She feared that bringing Castle into their conversation might push the detective too far, seeing she had been so unpredictable lately, but the M.E. knew she had made the right call when she saw the deep blush coloring her friend's cheeks. "Fine, I promise."

"You sure? Because with that look on your face, I'd bet you would love to have some time alone with Rick."

Kate rolled her eyes and blushed even more. "Shut up, Lanie. Can I go to bed now?"

* * *

><p>Kate groaned as she rolled over to her side, every muscle of her body still making her feel like a painful lump. She forced one eye open and quickly found the alarm clock, its bright digits indicating it was past three in the afternoon.<p>

The last day had passed in a blur for the detective as she mostly slept, the painkillers she had been prescribed knocking her out cold.

Kate was glad to feel more awake now, the haze finally clearing up until something occurred to her. She was currently in Castle's bedroom, curled up in the man's king sized bed and tucked under insanely soft sheets. Had she been in his room all this time without even realizing it?

"Hey, you're awake." A pleased voice greeted her from her right, his owner moving into her line of sight before she had time to shift. "How are you feeling?"

"Like a defective slinky."

Castle laughed and sat on the bed, and kept a cautious look on the detective as she slowly pushed herself into a sitting position as well. "Well, I guess it is better than, and I quote, 'having been on the receiving end of a demolition crane ball'."

Kate stared at him with wide eyes, surprised. "I said that? When?"

"This morning. You don't remember?" Castle asked with concerned eyes, handing her a glass of water.

"I don't know, maybe. It's all blurry though. Can I have coffee?" She sighed as she shot the glass of water a disdainful glare.

"Maybe," Castle conceded, his lips turning into an amused grin as the woman's eyes shone hopefully, "but you need to eat something first. And Lanie called earlier, she said that Esposito and Ryan were going to stop by later."

"Oh, okay." Kate was glad about the guys coming to hang out, but she wasn't too happy about the idea of food. Her jaw was still sore from the fall, but she convinced herself she could go for some yogurt or soup or something. "I think we still have yogurt, and there's frozen raspberries so I could make you a smoothie if you'd like? That way it won't be too difficult to drink."

The man had gotten so good at reading her thoughts it was getting creepy. Kind of sweet, but still creepy. From what she remembered Castle have tried not to overstep as the woman recovered from her accident but putting his foot down when she stubbornly tried to refuse help, whether it was from him or Lanie, and Kate in return had made efforts to accept their help, acknowledging their presence and not pushing them away even when she wanted to.

She was used to heal and lick her wounds alone, hiding them until it was safe to come out of retreat as if nothing had happened, but it seemed that fate had decided otherwise, testing her over and over again until she had no choice but to deal with letting people in. First her dad after she was shot and spent the summer out of the city, then Esposito during the sniper case and now Castle and Lanie.

As shocked as she was, she was slowly but surely realizing that having people to talk to, to open up to wasn't as horrible she had thought it would be. No one was thinking any less of her despite her recent setbacks; no one had judged her or critiqued her, instead offering soothing words, a shoulder to cry on and showing her that not being in perfect control of everything all the time wasn't a crime. It was life, normal; expected.

And, if anything had stuck in her confused mind in the last couple of days, it was how she needed to open up to one person in particular. She had admitted to Castle one of her biggest secrets when she had told him about being in therapy again and if she knew the man had been happy to be included in her secret, somehow she had the feeling that what the writer was most desperately wishing was for her to let him in in the smallest things in her life.

He wanted to know her, all of her. Her favorite book, singer and actor, her favorite word. He had been ecstatic when she had told him about her childhood memories about being a Temptation Lane fan. She still remembered the day when, feeling like sharing with the man, she had taken out a pile of photo albums and spent the day with him, looking at old pictures of her and her family, ranging from when she was a baby and up to when she had joined the academy.

Kate thought once again at Castle's words the day she was shot as she lay on the grass, her body going into shock and her mind going blank as her life was deserting her. When she really put her mind to it, she could still feel his hands on her, holding her tight and refusing to let her go. The screams and yelling that had filled the air that day and still haunted her dreams and nightmares on a regular basis, but only one thing remained loud and clear in her ear. He loved her.

Not only he loved her, he was also willing and prepared to wait however long it would take for her to get there, until the day when Kate would let him in completely.

It killed her that she wasn't able to get there faster. She wanted to be with him, in his bed and not because he had to take care of her while she couldn't do it herself properly. She wanted to wake up next to him, too tired and too sore to move, and spend the day wrapped up in his arms.

She wanted him but she was stuck.

She knew what she could do to let him in; Dr. Burke had given her plenty of examples over the last few sessions but, apart from getting more compliant about physical contacts and attempting to talk more openly to the man, she hadn't done much. She was too scared to do more. Because talking was one thing; showing off was a whole different story.

Deep down, Kate knew what Castle wanted. She frowned at the idea that if she'd made the man choose between seeing her naked or getting to see her scars, he'd probably chose the latter. She didn't understand why he wanted to see them so much. He never asked, never insinuated in any way that she should show them to him but, at certain moments, Castle was not asking very loudly, especially during moments where she would wince because her surgical scar pulled, or when she would brush her hand absently over the gunshot wound.

She was downright terrified that he would look at her differently is she did. She thought it would change everything between them.

But she wanted to change. She wanted to show him, to prove him that she was worth the wait.

Kate looked down at herself and at her pajamas. Lanie had helped her once the night before to take get cleaned up and change but, as much as her friend was happy to help and be useful, it didn't seem fair to make the M.E. drive across town at least twice a day from her place to Castle's, to work and to whatever she had to go wherever a body dropped.

Maybe she could do this. _They _could do this. If she showed him just how completely she trusted him, this wouldn't make him run away. Kate only wished she had decided to do this the day before when the effects of the painkillers would have helped cut out some of the anxiety. "Hey, Castle?"

"Yes?"

He was looking at her with such patient, warm eyes that it made her changed her mind a few seconds before shaking her head and letting resolve settling in. She must have zoned out longer than she had realized because under the man's kind gaze, curiosity and concern were coloring his deep blue orbits as well. "I..." It only then occurred to Kate that she had no clue how to ask him his help.

"Yeah?"

"Um...I, do I have clothes here? Actual clothes? I think I'd like to wear something else other than silly monkey pajamas for when the guys will be here."

"Um," Castle echoed dumbfounded, taking a moment before sighing uncertainly. "Probably. I know that Lanie put your clothes in a drawer but I don't know what she brought exactly. I can call her and ask her to come help you out when she gets here."

Kate bit her lip and suddenly found the maroon sheets covering her legs very interesting. "Oh. Actually um, I was thinking that um, maybe you could help instead?"

She looked up when no answer came. Castle was staring at her, a stunned look on his face. "Oh. Um."

Kate's face fell, her fears suddenly becoming reality. He wasn't ready, or he didn't want to see. She swallowed thickly and brought her legs closer to her. "It's okay, I'll just wait for Lanie, don't worry about it."

"Kate, no. It's not-" Castle cursed himself when he saw the dejected look on the detective's face. It must have taken her so much courage for her to ask such a personal thing and all he managed to do was stare dumbly at her. "I'd be more than glad to help you, you just took me by surprise."

To prove his point Castle stood and purposefully walked to the dresser and opened the top drawer, finding the woman's clothes in neat piles, ranging from tops, leggings, pajamas and underwear. "What would you like to wear?"

"Castle, I-"

Castle ignored her and picked up the first pair of underwear he saw, trying not to think too much about it, a pair of black yoga pants, a purple, loose fitting shirt and a black tank top before heading back to the bed. "Are those okay?"

Kate was still refusing to meet his eyes again. Castle sighed and sat close to her, his hand reaching up to lift up her chin. "Kate. I'm glad you asked, I really am. Believe me when I say that you can always, and I mean _always _ask me anything, okay?"

The man exhaled a deep relieved breath when nervous sienna eyes rose to meet his. "Okay."

He needed to be the strong one, he realized. For the first time ever she was relinquishing the control over to him because she wanted to show him she trusted him completely.

Overwhelmed, Castle glanced at the clothes and at Kate, unsure where to start. One look at her and he almost froze again. Her eyes were completely open to him, watching him curiously as to how he was going to handle this.

The famous writer glanced at the clothes again and came to a decision. Gently grabbing Kate's hands, he helped her to the edge of the bed before dropping his hands to her waist. "Can you...?"

Kate nodded, not trusting her voice. She let Castle slid her red flannel pants down her legs before he turned around and let her change into fresh underwear.

"You okay? Can I look?" The man asked when he heard a gasp and felt a sudden shift on the bed.

"Yeah."

He wasn't sure to which question the faint 'yeah' was referring to, but Castle took a chance and turned his attention back to Kate. She had changed into the deep blue hipster panties he had given her but the pants were still by her side. "Kate?"

"Let's just forego the pants for now, okay?" she asked him out of breath.

Castle nodded and forced his eyes away from her bruised legs, his hands itching to soothe them, and waited for her to twist enough so she was facing him. When she did there was an odd glint in her eyes and he caught on when she glanced from the top next to her and down to herself. He watched her closely for any sign of hesitation and slowly brought his hands to her shirt when he saw none.

He began with the top button, biting back a nervous chuckle when his fingers shook at first. He kept his eyes on the task at hand but he could feel the detective's gaze burning a hole right through him, and he finally understood why when he noticed that she wasn't wearing a bra.

Mindful of keeping the sides close enough together, Castle had just undone the third button when a slender hand suddenly rested on her hand, stopping him. His eyes rose to the woman's curiously and was startled by the intensity her eyes were charged with. He had just shifted his eyes back to their joined hands when he saw it. That was why she had stopped him.

That was why she had asked him to help.

She wanted him to know, to see.

Castle undid one more button, fully revealing the ragged, rounded scar the bullet had left her when it had hit her. Part of his mind marveled morbidly at how small the scar was considering the damage it had done, while his heart ached at the sight of what had brought so much pain, both physical and psychological, to the woman before him. He stared at it for what felt like hours before a faint squeeze of his hand brought his eyes back to her.

He was expected a loaded, closed up look but the one he got shook him to the core. Her eyes were shy and anxious but they were still unguarded, completely open to him.

Castle was so lost in the detective's eyes that he never felt his hand moving closer until his fingers came in contact with soft skin. He looked down abruptly to see that his hand wasn't hovering in the air anymore, but instead covering Kate's scar.

Her skin was warm and softer than he could've ever imagined, the bullet wound equally soft except for a thicker feeling to it. Castle closed his eyes briefly and with extreme efforts, pulled his hand back and resumed unbuttoning the top until he was done.

The writer then took Kate's uninjured hand and brought it to her top so she could keep it closed and he moved behind her, noting that the woman was flushed and breathing more heavily than when he had started. Hoping he was the reason for that change, Castle gently moved his hands around the back of her top and slowly let it slide off her shoulders until it pooled at her waist, where he grabbed it and let it fall on the floor. He winced at the sight of the purple and blue puffy bruises covering her back and absently wondered how she managed to sleep the last couple of days.

Kate's hand rose to cover herself more by a force of habit than because she really wanted to. She thought her heart was going to burst out of her chest when she had felt his fingers on her, and she had almost begged him to kiss her right then. As much as she wanted to though, the timing wasn't right; she didn't want their first time to happen on the heat of the moment and when she wasn't in a condition to fully appreciate it; she wanted to expect it and savor the wait.

Her resolve almost flew out the window when she felt his hand again, this time on her other scar. The bigger and more sensitive one was still bothering her physically from time to time so she was trying to touch it as little as she could, but to have _him _touch her there had an effect on her she had not been expecting.

Still covering herself, she moved her torso a bit to the left so he could have a better view. She didn't believe what she was doing. A week ago she could barely tolerate someone touching her on the arm through layers of clothing and now she was baring herself in front of the man she had come to love but couldn't admit it yet, letting him touch her in a way no one had before. "Castle."

She felt one last excruciating soft stroke over her ribs before it was gone. Kate released the breath she had been holding, only to be startled again when Castle tugged lightly on her arm from behind so he could slide the tank top down her torso.

They didn't say a word as he moved back in front of her and gently helped her arms into the purple shirt, both sighing shakily as their eyes finally met. Castle couldn't find words to express how he felt. He had hoped for that moment for so long that he was speechless now that it had happened, so he did the next best thing he could think of.

Carefully to not hit too much of her beaten up skin, Castle shifted closer and engulfed her in a bear hug. "Thank you." He whispered down her ear and kissed the top of her head, smiling when a small arm wrapped itself around his back. They stayed that way longer than the man could have ever expected and was gently pulling back when the arm around him tightened.

"Not yet, okay?"

"Of course. But I swear to God, Kate, you better not blame this on being high on painkillers later."

He felt her smile against his chest and let out a chuckle when a finger poked him in the back. "Deal."


	7. Chapter 7

Thanks a lot for the reviews and attention this story is getting, I really appreciate it! A special thanks to **Speechless**, whose reviews really made my day.

Note: the story's synopsis have changed, but the story itself hasn't. I just decided it didn't fit as much as I'd liked, so new only it is.

* * *

><p>Lanie let herself in Castle's apartment using the key the man had gave her the night before, not wanting to disturb him if he was writing or if Beckett was sleeping.<p>

"It's oddly quiet in here." Ryan commented as he and Esposito followed the woman inside, glancing around the empty living room and kitchen. "Do they know we were coming?"

"Yes, Javi, I told Castle this morning. He's probably writing in his study if Kate's still sleeping." The M.E. answered him, taking off her coat and nodding towards the study. "You guys get the food ready on the coffee table, and I'll go check on them."

"Hey, Castle," Lanie started but frowned when she found the study empty. The door to the man's bedroom, where Kate was staying, was ajar though so she walked quietly into the room and froze at the sight before her.

A wide, toothy grin lighted the woman's features as she took in the writer's arms wrapped around her friend, keeping her close as she slept, cuddled on the man's chest. Lanie noticed that the detective had changed as well or, as she smirked, half changed.

It soon turned out the injured woman wasn't sleeping as much as resting her eyes because sleepy, sienna orbits were suddenly on Lanie. "Hey there, girl."

"Oh, God." Kate answered with a start. "Castle." The detective whispered as she pushed herself up, forgetting about her sprained wrist. "Shit."

Castle was awake in an instant at the gasp and frowned when he saw Lanie next to them. "Lanie?"

"Castle. You okay, sweetie?"

Lanie reached and put a hand on Kate's back as Castle sat up, bringing the detective up with him. "Castle, why don't you go greet the guys, they're setting up the food in the living room."

The man nodded and stood, glancing at Kate before leaving. He expected being ignored at best, but he grinned happily when a set of sleepy yet warm eyes met his. "I'll go make coffee."

Kate smiled gratefully and braced herself for whatever Lanie was going to do and say as soon as the bedroom door would close. "Lanie, I-"

Instead of some naughty remark Lanie surprised Kate when she all but jumped on her and kissed her cheek, her hands coming up to cup them as ebony eyes bore deeply into sienna's. "Please tell me I am not hallucinating, and that won't become some sort isolated episode when you go deep in denial once you're back on your feet."

"I...no, Lanie. We're not...I don't think we're even close to that yet. But..."

"But something did happen. I know you, girl, and I know that look. You can swear all you want that nothing happened, something did." Lanie pushed, wanting Kate to say it of her own. Her eyes roamed briefly over her friend's body before meeting the other woman's gaze again, a knowing look lighting up her face.

"I...I showed him."

"You showed him..." Lanie repeated curiously, not sure where her friend was getting at.

Kate rolled her eyes, having the feeling the medical examiner was being dense on purpose. "I showed him my scars, Lanie."

"And?"

"And?" Kate echoed incredulously. "And...nothing. He, he didn't freak, or cringe, or ran away. On the opposite, he...he thanked me and hugged me."

Lanie suddenly wanted to kiss Castle for doing exactly what the woman had needed. But then again, he had been doing it for years now without her realizing it. "I wish you'd stop doubting him, sweetie. Didn't I tell you it wouldn't be a big deal for him?"

"Yes, but-"

"No, no but. He cares about you, Kate, and deep down you care about him too so stop putting your head in the sand and go for it! Come on, there are two people in the next room that really want to see you so let's not make them wait anymore, okay?"

Kate looked unsure but she nodded and pushed herself to the edge of the bed. "Hey, Lanie?"

"Yes, sweetie?"

"Thank you. For...this, for everything." Kate surprised her friend when she hugged her. As Lanie laughed softly and wrapped her arms around her as well, the detective decided that she could get use to the whole hugging thing.

* * *

><p>Dinner was casual, everyone helping themselves out of too many Chinese takeout containers. Esposito and Ryan each took place on a chair while Castle let Lanie sit next to Kate on the couch, the man taking the remaining seat beside the medical examiner. As he looked appreciatively at the assortment of food, Castle noticed with a grin that the food came from Beckett's favorite restaurant, and that the guys had picked out most of her favorite items on the menu as well.<p>

Kate had a few bites of her plate before regretfully pushing it away with a sigh. "Stupid jaw hurts too much to eat." She mumbled in apology when they all looked at her, grabbing her coffee and nursing it in her good hand. Wordlessly Esposito took one last plastic container out of the bag and handed it to Castle, who opened it curiously. "Chicken noodle soup?"

"Chinese chicken noodle soup. Old Sam Ming's secret recipe, just for you, detective."

"He made soup for me?" Kate asked curiously. "Why?"

"Because he likes you, and you're one of his most loyal customer." Ryan chuckled just as Castle came back with a bowl and pour the soup in it. "There you go."

"Thank you." Kate shot Castle a shy grin before diving in, but the sense that she was being watched stopped her. "What?"

Esposito had a knowing smirk on his face as he glanced between the two of them. "Did you just blush, detective?"

"Shut up, Espo." Kate rolled her eyes. "Do you have any news about the kid?"

"He has a broken leg and a bump on the head. He was discharged before you did." Ryan said around a bite of chow-mein. "His...alibi checked out too. He was with his parents all night the night of the murder."

The surprise and sudden anger emanating from Beckett almost made her drop her bowl. "What? Why would he run away like that otherwise?"

Esposito exchanged a look, silently deciding who would have to break the news to their boss and sister. "His friends kind of dared him to bolt when they saw you approaching." The blonde detective finally ushered quietly.

Suddenly both detectives were extremely glad the death glare they got from the woman wasn't really directly at them. "He bolted and almost got us killed on a dare?"

"He said he realized it had been a bad idea when he saw us draw our guns but he was too scared to stop." Esposito supplied the information somewhat irritatingly, mad at the kid's lack of judgement as well.

"So he thought it was a better idea to trip me with his freaking bag." She whispered as she pushed her food away. "That's just great. So, how long before Gates kicks me out?"

Esposito glanced at Ryan, frowning. "There was no such talk, Beckett. Why would you even think that?"

Kate stared at the Latino detective as if he had grown a second head. "Why? I've barely been back for two months after being on disability for three, and now I won't be fully reinstated for at least a month. She's been looking for a way to kick me to the curb since the day I got back so this is the perfect timing for her."

"Sweetie, Gates will in no way kick you out, or fire you or anything else for that matter. You're her best detective, pigheaded as you may be." Lanie soothed her, reaching for the woman's arm.

Tears of frustration pooled in Kate's eyes and she tried to blink them away, but when it failed she shot Lanie a miserable look. "Guys, do you think you could give us a minute?"

There was a short hesitation after Lanie's request as the men all stared at the female detective in concern but all got up and grabbed their jackets. "We're gonna go and get some beer."

Castle was the last to leave, wanting to touch her or comfort her, but he wasn't sure how she would take it in front of the others. He settled on letting his hand run through her long wavy locks for a second, his fingers grazing her neck as he let go.

The first tear fell just as the door closed. Kate jumped when she felt Lanie inching closer but let her take her hand, the contrast of the detective's frozen hand in her friend's warm one sending shivers all over her body. "It's those damn pills, they keep messing up with me."

Lanie stared worriedly into the detective's eyes as her persona switched from best friend to doctor. "How much messing around are we talking about, have you noticed other side effects?"

Kate shrunk under her friend's inquiring gaze and sunk deeper into the couch, only to cringe when a cushion poked her cracked rib. "I don't sleep as much anymore, and sometimes they give me stomach aches."

"Have you talked to Dr. Burke about it? You could try something else...it takes a while to find the right dosage, maybe they're too strong."

"They're not, and I'm not changing." An irritated glare met Lanie, warning clear in the detective's eyes. "It's bad enough that I have to take them in the first place."

"Honey-"

Kate shook her head and closed her eyes. "Drop it, Lanie."

The M.E. exhaled deeply, partly annoyed, partly concerned for her friend. "Fine. So, you and writer boy. And don't you dare tell me there's nothing going on."

"There really is nothing going."

"Nuh uh. I come here and find you in bed half dressed in the man's arms, that is not nothing. You better spill now, Katherine Beckett, or I will make Castle dish instead."

"Lanie," Kate pleaded her quietly. "I just didn't want the guys to see me in the pajamas _you_ picked me and I knew he would want to see them one day or another, so I thought I'd get it out of the way."

"Two birds with one stone."

"Yeah."

"You wanted to give him a way out, didn't you."

Kate shot the doctor a surprised look, but the eagerness with which she looked away confirmed the woman's suspicion. "Katie..."

"He's all in, Lanie. He so wants in but I, I don't know how to let him."

Lanie smiled sadly at her best friend and wrapped an arm around the taller woman's shoulder, gently bringing her to her. "Sweetie, you already did."

Castle all but dropped the beer he was carrying when they got back upon seeing Beckett laying on her side on the floor, with pillows piling up in her back. He didn't even have the time to shout in worry that Lanie was waving and shushing him. "What is she doing on the floor?"

"Her back hurt and she didn't want to go to bed, she said the floor felt better." Lanie ushered from her spot next to Kate, although her back was propped up against the couch.

Ryan snickered at the comment but coughed to hide it, exhaling roughly when Castle shoved the beer in his arms to go to the living room, and crouched beside Kate. "I'm going to ignore that last comment," He declared breezily, "How can she be comfortable in that position?" He questioned incredulously, only now noticing that the detective was sound asleep.

Lanie pushed herself back on her feet and slumped back on the couch now that the writer was with her friend. "Don't know, she just did. I massaged her shoulders and back, I think that's what put her to sleep."

"Well, comfortable or not, she's going to regret this if I leave her like this for too long." Castle argued. He shot a look upwards when he didn't hear Esposito or Ryan coming back. "Guys?"

Esposito came into view, a small frown on his face. "Hey bro, listen, we think maybe it'd be best if we headed out, letting her rest. We've been upsetting her enough for tonight."

"Nonsense, it's barely six-thirty, you don' have to leave now." Castle looked at them almost eagerly, observing them closely to see if they really wanted to leave or if they were only being polite. "There's a game on tonight, or we could just hang out too." He offered them when they didn't seem too eager to leave either. "Besides, she'll probably sleep for an hour or two before she wakes up again, and she'll feel bad for making you leave early."

"That's low, bro, playing the Beckett card to keep us here." Esposito mock-glared, Ryan coming up beside him and staring as well.

"Is it working?"

"Yeah, it is". Ryan admitted as he handed Esposito a beer and held an extra one for Castle. "Castle?"

Castle nodded for the coffee table as he examined the sleeping woman's position, searching for the best way to left her off the floor without hurting her. Looking at the pillows again he gently lowered her back onto them, and waited as her face scrunched up and her eyes fluttered open briefly. She sighed softly and turned her head toward Castle but didn't wake up.

As gently as he could Castle wrapped his arms around her shoulders and knees and lifted her off the floor, stopping a second when she let out a faint whimper and tensed in his arms. "Just make yourself comfortable, I'll be right back." The writer glanced at his guests once she settled in his arms, heading slowly for his bedroom.

"Ow!" Esposito and Ryan were staring at Castle's retreating back when a hand slapped the back of their heads. "Lanie, what was that for?"

"You were thinking if what you just witnessed meant you had won the pool. They're your friends, and one of them is hurt so show a little compassion!"

"But, for your information, the pool is still open. They're not there yet." Lanie added with a smirk, relishing into the guys' shocked expression.

"You better not be holding out on us because you want the pool, Lanie." Esposito hissed but all he got in return was a sly smile. "Come on, let's clear everything so writer boy won't have to deal with it later."

* * *

><p>Esposito and Ryan's phone rang an hour later with dispatch giving them the coordinates of a body that had been found, Lanie's remaining silent since she wasn't on call.<p>

The M.E. helped cleaning out the beers and empty bowls of snacks that remained on the table, and headed to the writer's room to check on her friend before leaving while Castle went to take a quick shower.

Kate was lying down on her back when Lanie came in, an arm draped over her stomach and her eyes staring at the ceiling. The blanket Castle had covered her with was halfway on the floor and her legs were bent in what the doctor recognized as a defensive position. "Kate, honey are you okay? Why didn't you tell us you were awake?"

"I didn't want to disturb you guys." She admitted with a frustrated sigh. "My back hurts again and I didn't feel like getting up."

Worried lines crossed Lanie's face as she sat next to her friend. "Javi and Kevin are gone, they got a call a few minutes ago but it seemed that you heard it, don't you?" At the woman's silent nod, Lanie continued. "You're going to be sore for a while, you know that. How much hurting are we talking about?"

"I, it feels like I pulled something." Kate rephrased her thoughts when she felt her friend's hands slowly stretch her legs before they were on her hips. "You do realize I'm not one of your dead bodies you can prod and grope as you wish, right?" She told her dryly as she cringed.

"Shush. I didn't hear you complaining when I was giving you a free massage earlier, now do you?" The shorter woman chided her as she helped her turning over on her stomach. "Nothing's out of place, you probably just moved wrong in your sleep." The M.E. reassured her after a more thorough examination of the detective's back and cramped muscles. "I'm going to head out as well, sweetie, I'm pulling a double shift tomorrow."

Kate echoed her friend's long face and nodded. "Okay. Thanks for coming, and tell the guys I'm sorry, okay?"

"You have nothing to be sorry about, but I will relay the message anyway. Do you want to lie back on your back again before I leave?"

Lanie chuckled when a mumbled 'no' came to her ears, and she bent one last time over the bed to kiss her friend's cheek. "Bye, sweetie."

"Bye." Kate was dozing again but the sharp twinges in her back kept her from falling back asleep. She sighed in annoyance, debating if she should try to turn over to her side, when a hand on her shoulder startled her.

She opened her eyes quickly to see Castle crouching next to her, his warm blue eyes observing her attentively. "Hey."

"Hey." She answered back, too tired to roll her eyes. "Everyone is gone?"

"Yeah. Lanie said you back hurt again?"

Kate silently cursed the doctor, wishing she hadn't said anything to worry the man even more. "A little."

Castle frowned and did a more cautious check over of the woman. Somehow he knew that behind her neutral expression, there was more pain than she was letting on, especially if her clouded eyes were any indication. "A little? Come on Kate, you were lying on the floor when we got back because it was hurting too much, that is not a little."

"Do you..." Castle hesitated, not sure where they were standing even with the moment they had shared earlier. "I could give you a massage if you want?"

Everything is Kate was telling her to say no. She had opened up to him earlier and, frankly, she was still freaked out about it and there hadn't been much physical contact involved. She wasn't sure she could handle having the man's hands on her for an extended period of time without giving away into the temptation. "Lanie already gave me one."

The excuse was thin and lame but Beckett had convinced herself it worked, until she saw the dejected look on the writer's face. It was too late to take it back and to accept his request now because it would seem forced on both parts, and it would end up being an awkward experience for them. "Oh, okay then. I'll let you sleep and wake you in a few hours for your medication."

Kate cringed at Castle's voice, and she was suddenly desperate to find something to bring back the kind eyes that were on her just minutes before, but her mind was coming up empty. "Castle, no wait."

She forced her eyes open again and focused her gaze on the man's eyes and not on his hands that were now resting barely two inches from her head.

Castle watched her quietly, giving her the time to voice whatever she had in mind. "I'm not that tired, I don't want to go to sleep already."

"Would you like to go back to the living room? I'm sure I can figure out a way for you to spend some time on the couch without being too uncomfortable...what?" He asked curiously when he was met with an amused set of eyes. "Please read to me?"

The soft request was not what Castle was expecting and, as the words registered in his mind, he found that as this moment, reading to Katherine Beckett was even more tantalizing to him than any other suggestion any of them could have come up with. "Read to you? Really?"

"Yeah, if you don't mind?"

"Of course not," the man beamed, happy to be of any use, "do you have any specific requests?" He asked her, knowing she was an avid reader and already wondering where his Kindle was in case he didn't have the book she'd asked for.

Castle watched with interest as Kate suddenly found the bed sheets fascinating. "What is it, Kate? You can ask me anything, as long as you don't request Twilight. Ask for that and you'll have to read it yourself."

Kate chuckled but shook her head. "No, actually...I was wondering how far along you were for your new book?"

* * *

><p>'<em>Heat was running, the desperate clicking of her heels echoing on the concrete as she tried to reach the pier before-' <em>"What?"

"Nothing."

"That was not nothing. _That _was a Katherine Beckett patented snort, reserved for when I do or say something you find derisive." Castle stared her down with a light sulk, even if in reality he was immensely enjoying their evening so far.

The man had settled on his bed with his back resting on the headboard and his laptop on his lap while Kate had moved back to her side and was currently curled up close to the writer's side and listening intently to every man's words. "Okay, fine. It's just, why doesn't she take off her shoes? She'd run faster that way."

"Oh, you mean like you take off yours whenever you're after a suspect?"

Kate ignored the sarcasm in Castle's voice, too focused on the warmth eradiating from the man next to her to really care about his teasing. "It's not the same. She's not after a suspect, she needs to save Rooks. I'd throw my shoes away if they were keeping me from reaching you in time." She mumbled sleepily.

Castle's eyes snapped to Beckett but she had her eyes closed. Her body was as relaxed as the last time he had checked on her a few minutes before so she hadn't even probably realized what she had inadvertently admitted. "So, you're telling me that she needs to drop the boots and run barefeet in dirty streets, risking shards of glass in her feet, of sharp rocks, or rat bites in order to save Rook?" The idea seemed ridiculous at best, but it suddenly gave the mystery writer a new, more dramatic angle to work on. "Oh."

Another look at the now slightly dozing woman next to him and Castle started debating if he could make it to his study without waking her up. He really needed to write Kate's ideas down before he forgot about them but didn't want to do it in bed in case the incessant typing woke her up. "Kate?"

He whispered his name very softly, knowing she would rouse if she wasn't completely asleep. When she didn't react or move, Castle closed his laptop and slowly slid off the bed. Beckett still hadn't moved so he made his way out of the room before turning on his heels and going back to the bed. Castle observed her for several long seconds, finding comfort in her deep, steady breathing. The swelling of her bruised cheek and jaw had started to go down but, even with the blue and purples bruises coloring her features and body, she was still the most beautiful woman in the world for him.

Castle moved before he couldn't restrain himself and, bending over the woman's slumbering form, pressed a feather-like kiss on her temple. "I love you Kate."

He let the door ajar as he left in case she woke up and need anything and took place at his desk, only glancing once at the bedroom door before turning to his computer. Quick, sharp typing sounds soon echoed around the study and the bedroom as Nikki Heat, in a desperate attempt at saving the man she unconsciously loved, shed her four inch boots, running through debris to get to him before he got killed by a rogue Swedish CIA agent.

In the next room, Kate slowly exhaled and opened her eyes, her fingers reaching to brush against the pillow Castle had softly pressed against her chest before leaving to prevent her from sleeping directly on her ribs. She glanced at the door for a moment before sighing and bringing the pillow closer to her, the writer's warmth still radiating from it.


	8. Chapter 8

A routine quickly settled inside the Castle household as Kate got more and more comfortable moving around on her own. Castle busied himself with writing whenever Kate was asleep while Lanie came by everyday to help the woman with shower and much needed distraction from going crazy. Esposito and Ryan stopped by daily as well, discussing Beckett's case as well as the others the guys had been assigned to.

By the end of the fourth day, however, the detective was already getting antsy to get back to work. She thought of her apartment and as much as she wanted to go back to it as well, part of her wasn't in any hurry to leave Castle's loft.

As she sat on the loft's couch that night, Castle's Kindle on her lap, Kate pondered her options. After that first night, when Castle had confessed his love for her again, things had cooled down between them and she wasn't sure why.

Maybe he was trying to give her some space so she wouldn't feel overcrowded or trapped but if it was the case, it wasn't working. Kate was becoming more restless as the days went by because she felt like the moments they had shared before had simply vanished into thin air, bringing her insecurities back to the surface. She couldn't help but wonder if she had done something wrong.

Kate glanced at her partner, who was sitting on the other side of the couch busy flipping through channels, and sighed. Maybe he would be better if she went back to her apartment, that way it would be easier to go back to their previous relationship. Except she couldn't go back to that. She didn't want to. She had been through enough and she had certainly not went through months of emotionally draining therapy to have it throw it all away now. "Castle?"

"Yes?" Castle grinned as he looked at her but frowned at the thoughtful features staring back at him. "What's wrong, are you okay? Are you in pain?" He quickly dropped the tv remote, letting the tv on a random documentary as he slid closer to her. "What is it?"

"You."

"Me?" Castle repeated dumbly, confused. "What did I do?"

"Nothing, you did nothing. Just...never mind." Beckett grumbled and lowered her eyes to her lap. This had been a wrong idea. She'd talk to Lanie and move back to her apartment in the morning and if the M.E. put up a fight, she could always ask her father to spend a few days with her.

Castle stared at the woman next to him, dumbfounded. One minute they were watching tv and now Kate was annoyed with him, and the man had the feeling that if it wasn't for her sore back, she would already have bolted. He had noticed a change in her over the last few days, and he wasn't sure what it was. He thought that maybe he was overcrowding her so he tried to give her more space, but the more space he gave her, the more awkward it got between them.

The way the detective had just withdrawn into herself confirmed the writer's concerns. Something did happen and now Beckett was looking for a way out. Castle sighed as he ran a hand in his hair, frustrated of always having to walk on egg shells because he had no idea what could send the woman running. He thought they were making progress but maybe he had been wrong.

"I don't know what _this_ is, Kate," he gestured between them, "but I'd love for you to explain it to me. I thought we were better but right now you're shutting me out again and I won't let that happen again."

"It's not- I...could you turn the tv off or mute it or something, it's giving me a headache." Kate asked tersely as she closed her eyes, her anxiety level rising when she realized they were going to have _the _talk.

Castle didn't say a word and reached blindly to grab the remote, thankful for the brief distraction. His fingers searched quickly for the mute button but slipped and instead turned it up abruptly, startling the both of them. "I'm sorry, wrong button. I- Kate?"

The writer's insides turned to ice at the wide eyes and the strain suddenly contorting the detective's features, recognizing the panic attack Kate had suffered at the precinct weeks ago. His eyes went to the tv and he cursed, quickly turning it off. He had stopped on a documentary on wars, with real footage and re-enactments. Shit.

"Kate? Kate please, look at me. Listen to me, you're safe okay, it was just the tv and nothing else." Castle spoke calmly, the gunshots and screams still echoing between them. Castle's whole body tensed but he forced himself to relax, knowing a single movement could be enough to set her off.

Castle had spent quite some time reading about PTSD, its effects and how to deal with people suffering from it so he'd be ready if it ever happened to Kate again but, now that it did, he struggled with what to do.

The good thing was that Kate still hadn't moved from her spot, at least for now. Her fingers were digging painfully into her thighs and her whole body was rigid, her breathing ragged. "Kate, sweetie look at me, okay? You're with me, at my loft, and you are safe. It was only the television, you're safe."

"What's going on, I heard-"

"Don't. Stay where you are, Alexis, and don't make any noise or sudden movement." Castle ushered just loud enough so his daughter could hear him. Kate had tensed even more when she heard the teenager's voice and her terrified eyes were now scanning the room, seemingly looking for an escape.

"What's going-"

"Shh." Alexis hissed and silenced her grandmother when she joined her. "Something's wrong with Kate."

Martha frowned as she watched the scene before them. Her son looked scared even if he wasn't showing it but she couldn't see Kate's face. "Oh God."

"What?"

Martha shook her head to the girl and pursed her lips, her eyes staring anxiously at the scene playing in front of them.

"Take deep breaths, Katherine. One at a time, come on you can do it. Breath in, breath out. In, out. That's is, you're doing good. Okay, once more. Breath in, breath out. In-"

Kate heard a voice and, while what she could understand of it was mumbling soothing words to her, most of what she could make out were distorted, foreign sounds. The gunshots from the documentary, that had triggered the panic attack, were no longer in her mind, having been replaced by the cacophony of screams from the day she was shot.

Her sight was blurred and all she could see was a bright, blue sky, fuzzy forms hovering over her and bright blue eyes, while the panicked thumping of her frantic heart was drowning every other sound around her until she caught two words. '_Breathe, Kate.'_

She took one, shaky breath and swayed when black spots danced before her eyes. She should probably try and breathe more often, she thought hazily, flinching when a hand was suddenly on her arm. She recoiled until she was free again, and she closed her eyes tightly as she tried breathing again but her back muscles were so tight she couldn't do much better than short gasps.

After what felt like hours, her mind finally registered the absence of noise, giving her a few precious seconds to regroup. Kate brought her hands to her face and rubbed her eyes, wincing when she tried to move her sprained wrist. The unusual pain somewhat snapped her out of catatonia and she took a sudden, much deeper breath. Her ribs cried their protest but she ignored them, the need to clear her head being more important.

Castle watched her closely and let out a faint sigh of relief when Kate's shoulders began to slump forward. "Alexis? Could you please bring a glass of water? Try to make as little noise as possible."

The teenager nodded quickly and tip-toed to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of water and a glass as quietly as she could. "Do you want the glass too, or just the bottle?"

"The bottle." Castle decided, thinking it might not be such a good idea to have breakable glass around the detective yet. He watched his daughter open it before giving it to him, and his eyes took on a sad expression as the redhead's hand slightly shook. "Thank you, sweetie."

Excruciatingly slow Castle slid closer to Kate, waiting every few seconds to see if panic would spike up again but, after a minute, he was finally close enough so their knees were touching lightly. He kept talking to her, whispering anything that ran through his mind but cautious to always keep his voice low and calm.

Her eyes were closed when Castle softly brought a hand up to cup her jaw, letting his thumb stroke the bone structure a few seconds to give her time to adapt before raising the bottle of water to her lips.

Kate was slowly coming back from her breakdown when the feel of plastic on her lips brought back the memory of when she had first woke up from surgery after being shot.

Memories of foreign hands pushing a cold plastic cup against her lips as she regained consciousness, only to find her body to be non-responding and in agonizing pain sent Kate gasping for breath and she raised her hand, needing to get away from whoever wanted to get their hands on her.

Castle wasn't holding the bottle steadily and, surprised by the sudden movement, dropped it when Kate's hand knocked it over, spilling its content on them but mostly all over the detective. The cold water being splashed on her had the effect of a cold shower for Kate and she choked on the liquid she had been about to swallow, sending her into a coughing fit.

The physical shock seemed to have helped her regaining some focus, her eyes becoming slightly more aware of her surroundings so Castle took the situation to his advantage. "Kate, it's okay, it's me, Castle. We're at my loft, remember? You're safe here."

Castle held his breath when confused and pained sienna eyes were on him, actually seeing him for the first time in the last five minutes. He saw the horror flicker in the detective's eyes when she became lucid enough to realize what had happened, tears suddenly filling her eyes. "I..."

"Shhhh, I've got you, Kate, I've got you, you're safe."

The tears finally fell, Kate's body collapsing as the adrenaline from the panic attack fleeted and left the woman exhausted. She flinched when Castle wrapped his arms around her but didn't shy away, instead melting into his chest as she cried, releasing the stress, sleepless nights and nightmares that had been plaguing her ever since the shooting.

* * *

><p>The next time Kate opened her eyes it took her a moment to get her bearings straight as she looked around the room in confusion. The drapes had been drawn so the bedroom was dark, and she noted with surprise that it was close to eleven in the morning.<p>

Pushing herself up she winced when her ribs and back felt stiff and sore, but she ignored them until her back was resting against the headboard. Her sight still felt blurry and she had a pounding headache but she couldn't exactly place why. "Castle?"

The footsteps that were suddenly coming her way were smaller, and before she knew it Martha peeked inside the room and walked her way to the bed. "Good morning, dear."

"Hi, Martha." Kate paled and found herself unable to hold the woman's kind gaze as last night's meltdown came back to her. She thought Martha was going to leave to get Castle but instead she was startled when a slender hand came to rest over her covered knee. "How are you feeling this morning?"

Kate was about to say 'fine' but she wouldn't dare lie to Rick's mother. Not with the way the elder woman was scrutinizing her, silently daring her to lie to her face. The action made Kate chucked which turned Martha's inquisitive gaze into a curious one.

"I'm sorry, it's just...the way you're staring at me? It reminds me of when my mom and I used to have a staring contest until I'd cave and confess to whatever stupidity I had done." Kate explained with a sad smile. There was a squeeze of her knee and a set of warm blue eyes on her when she forced herself to glance back up. "I will take it as a compliment, darling."

Kate nodded, feeling awkward and shy all of a sudden. "It was. Listen, Martha-"

"Kate, dear, if what you're about to say is in any way related to what happened last night, there is nothing to talk about. Well, there is but not in the way you think there is."

"Last night?" Kate asked in confusion, her mind still hazy about what had triggered her panic attack the night before. "How long was I out?"

"What do you remember, exactly?"

Kate thought for a moment, her brows burrowing as she struggled to remember. "We were watching tv, I think I was reading and then things got...loud and hazy. Cast- Rick and I needed to talk but I don't think we did. I was too busy freaking out."

Martha frowned and, on an impulse, dropped her shoes and went to sit next to the detective. She felt Kate tensed but Martha didn't act on it, instead taking her hand with a firm grip. "Katherine, don't even think of apologizing, do you hear me?" The woman knew she was right when Kate closed her mouth and looked embarrassed, "We all know you are going through a rough time and it is most likely that it is going to get even worse before it starts getting better. What's happening now, this is the worst part. You're struggling with work, the nightmares; you're still healing from last summer and now this. I know you're a strong and independent woman, Kate, but you don't have to do this alone, we're all here for you. And tell me if I'm wrong, but I get the feeling that you are struggling as well to find a way to reveal your feelings for my son."

Kate stared in shock at the woman before she exhaled slowly. "You sound like my shrink."

If Martha was surprised to hear about the girl being in therapy, she didn't let it show. That she didn't deny having feelings for the writer was proof enough of her attachment to him. "I'm going to take this as a compliment as well."

Kate let out a small grin but refrained from rolling her eyes. "Ahh, we have a smile!"

Martha's presence felt good, better than Kate would have ever thought. The detective let herself relax against the headboard and felt herself dozing again when the woman's voice pulled her back from slumber. "Mmm, what?"

"I asked if you were hungry, or thirsty? Richard should be back soon but I can whip something up for you if you'd like." Martha repeated gently as she pushed a stray lock of hair behind Kate's ear, smiling gently and ready to be of any help.

Kate shook her head, the movement reminded not so gently that she still had a headache that was threatening to develop into a full blown migraine. "Could I have some aspirin? I have a headache."

"Oh, yes, um...I think so but I should call Richard to make sure, or I could call the pharmacy. Unless you know if there are any specific restrictions with the other medication you're taking? Do you remember Richard giving you a sleeping pill last night?"

The stupor on the detective's face was enough of an answer. The headache and the groggy feeling were making more sense for Kate now though. "Um. I don't know, I only took them once and I didn't like them. Maybe I could call Lanie, she'd know."

"Lanie would know what?" Castle asked as he appeared in the doorway, his coat still buttoned up.

"Kate wanted to know if she could take something for her headache since she took the other medication last night." Martha piped up helpfully as she stood up. "Now that my son is here I'll leave you two alone. Don't forget about our talk, dear."

"No, ma'am."

"What was that all about? What talk?" Castle inquired as he shed his coat and dropped it on a chair before sitting on the bed. "Good morning."

Kate bit her lip as her fingers fiddled nervously with the sheets. "'Morning. Or afternoon or whatever."

Castle's sheepish smile was adorable in its own way, but Kate wasn't going to say that out loud. "I'm sorry, but you were still a nerve wreck and you were exhausted, Lanie said it was the best thing to do."

"Lanie?"

"She is the one who knows the most about your treatment, Kate. And she's your best friend, she already knows about last time. Don't you want to know what was going on if something was wrong with your best friend?"

Kate still stared at him, visibly upset so Castle sat closer and wrapped her hand in his. "I know you're a private person, Kate, but sometimes the best way to keep things private is by letting people in."

Kate huffed and shifted her legs under the blankets, baffled. "What does that even means?"

"I'll let you figure out for yourself. Now, Lanie said you could have ibuprofen if you needed to. Still up to it?" He demanded her, producing a small bottle of Advil from his pocket..

"Please. Rick?"

Castle snapped her attention back to the detective at her use of his first name. "I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"You know why."

"No, I don't."

"Castle-"

"No," The man argued back as he popped two pills from the bottle and held a glass of water for her, letting her the time she needed to see it and hold it herself before taking the painkillers and draining the glass slowly. "If you think I am letting you apologize for what you are going through, you are sadly mistaken."

"What if it happens again, huh? What if Alexis is there next time, what if-"

"Katherine Beckett, this isn't up for discussion. I don't know when you'll get in that thick head of yours that I am not the only one in this family to care about you, my mother and Alexis do too. Alexis was there last night and yes, she is upset, but not because she got scare for her safety, but for yours. She's upset because she had no idea you were still hurting so much. So I'm telling you for what I'm hoping is going to be the last time, that not only you are stuck with me, but with the whole Rodgers-Castle household as well."

Tears had sprung in Kate's eyes when he had mentioned Alexis seeing her in such a vulnerable state. She wasn't used to let people in when she couldn't even control herself, emotionally or physically and even with having started to let Castle in, Kate found it difficult to share the most personal details of her life with others.

Looking down at herself to avoid Castle's compassionate eyes, Kate frowned as she stared at the grey sweatshirt she was wearing, knowing it wasn't what she had been wearing last night. She raised curious eyes to the man, who was watching her steadily. "You spilled water all over yourself so after you calmed down we came back into the bedroom, I helped you change and gave you a sleeping pill, which you took willingly, I never would've forced you."

Kate nodded and bit her lip as her fingers fussed with the shirt's hem.

Castle watched as the woman struggled with that new piece of information, unsure of how she would take it even if she didn't seem to mind the night before. "You okay?"

"Yeah," she whispered a moment later as she met his eyes. "It's not like you didn't help before. It's fine, Castle, I'm just..."

"I know."

The silence that settled in the room was heavy, but not awkward. Castle let Kate a moment to gather herself before he stood and gestured at the door. "Are you hungry? I'll even make coffee if you want. Decaf though."

Kate grinned tearily at the writer's attempt at lighten up the mood, but the detective had something else in mind. Her episode the night before had put an extra strain on her battered body and she was seconds away from throwing herself off the bed to get some sort of relief. "Hey, Rick?"

"Yes?"

"Does your offer of giving me a massage still stands?"

* * *

><p>Happy sunday everyone! Ok, that one was really angsty but progress is being made, and fun and fluffy moments are fast approaching. Not sure yet if the massage scene will be written or not...if anyone's interested, let me know!<p> 


	9. Chapter 9

Richard Castle took a deep breath and shook his hands nervously as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. With an afterthought he grabbed the bottle of lotion and squirted some in his hands again, rubbing it into his already soft skin. Glancing at the counter, he checked if he had everything: towels, a bowl of warm water and a bottle of arnica massage oil. He had completely forgotten about it until he started rummaging through the bathroom shelves, cursing for not thinking about it before.

The man looked at the lotion again but ultimately decided that since he would be using the oil too, his hands were soft enough to touch Kate's sensible skin.

Kate's skin. Kate's very naked skin. Castle risked another peek at the mirror and tried to lose the slack jaw he's been sporting ever since the detective had shyly asked him if he could massage her back.

He wouldn't mess this up. He couldn't. There was too much at stake now.

* * *

><p>Kate tried to slow her breathing down. She reminded herself that it wasn't a big deal, that Castle had already seen her without much of a stitch on, that this was no different.<p>

Except it was.

This time he would have his hands on her. Her very naked self. He had before but it was only brushes of fingers while he helped her changed, or a light caress of her arm or cheek to comfort her.

Kate had unzipped her sweatshirt but had kept it around her torso as she laid partially on her stomach, her ribs being too tender to put too much pressure on them. Soft footsteps announced the return of the writer, and Kate's breath hitched in her throat.

Her head was turned the other way so she couldn't see what Castle was doing exactly but, as she thought, it was better that way. She was too comfortable to move anyway. "Kate?"

"Mmm."

"Ok, just making sure you haven't fallen asleep on me there." He chucked as she heard him moving things around on the night table.

"It wouldn't matter, you could still do it." She mumbled tiredly, not knowing about just how much saying that would affect Castle. He stared at her, suddenly overwhelmed. "Um, I...okay. Do you need help taking off the shirt?"

Kate shook her head against the pillow, still not opening her eyes. "It's unzipped, I just need to pull it away from my shoulders." She moved to help him but stilled when a hand gently pushed her back on the bed. "Let me do it."

Castle dipped his hands in the warm water so they wouldn't be too cold against the woman's skin and hastily dried them before taking the sweatshirt by the shoulders, letting his hands slide down Kate's arms, helping her out of the piece of clothing. "Are you okay like this, do you need anything before I start?"

Castle felt proud for having managed to talk without stuttering, his voice showing no signs of surprise when the lack of the woman's clothing attire underneath was revealed to him. He knew the woman had been wearing a bra last night, but she wasn't anymore. Wisely keeping his mouth shut, wondering if this was a test on her part, Castle took the time to let his eyes examine the woman's back.

The massage would be quite a challenge, he quickly realized. Kate's back looked similar to an abstract painting as it was covered in all shades of color while the swelling of her ribs and lower back would make it hard for the writer to determine exactly where it would be safe to put his hands without hurting her too much. Some marks stood out more on the cop's pale skin, the deep angry blue lines showing where her back had hit the edges of the cement stairs during her fall.

"Are you done staring, Castle?"

"Yeah, sorry."

There was a faint blush covering her cheeks when he glanced at her to apologize and it was with an undisguised smile that Castle checked the oil's temperature. Satisfied that it was warm enough, he dropped a couple of drops on the detective's back and another few in his hands, covering his palms with it before slowly lowering first his fingers, then the rest of his hands on her back.

Kate's eyes snapped open as she felt warm and incredibly soft hands delicately kneading her shoulders and neck. The thumbs pressing in her knotted muscles hurt but, after a few minutes, the burning sensation that had lived with her for the past days, or weeks if she was being honest with herself, gradually faded into a dull ache until. She had to give it to him, Castle was right when he said he was good with his hands.

"Did you say something?" Castle suddenly asked as his hands stopped on the middle of her back, his thumbs absently stroking a patch of skin that was bruise free.

The soothing motion was lulling Kate back to sleep so it took her a moment before she realized that he had talked to her, and that she had thought out loud. Damn. "Um, no."

Castle shot her a suspicious look but resumed his job, slowing down when he reached her lower ribs. The woman's lower left area was a mass of blues and purples and yellows and painful looking so he skipped over that part, instead letting his hands going back up to her spine and shoulder blades.

Every second Castle spent touching the woman's skin was a torturous mix of bliss and agony for him. This was not how he had imagined the first time Kate would let him have his hands on her. Giving her a massage had been one of his favorite fantasies over the years, but this was not what he had hoped for.

Castle's touch was gentle and caring, but instead of aiming to get the detective worked up and aroused just like he did in his fantasy, he went for a comforting and a soothing touch. He started to hum absently as his touch became softer with every passing minute until he was delicately caressing her porcelain skin, keeping the muscles loose and warm as much as he could. "Still okay down there?"

The writer didn't like that it took several seconds for Kate to answer, or that there was an obvious tightness in her voice when she finally answered him. "Yeah."

"Are you sure?"

He stopped at the detective's frustrated sigh, concerned. Rinsing his hands in the water, Castle went around the bed and kneeled next to her so they were face to face. Sleepy eyes soon met his and, once again, he was troubled with what he could read in them. He felt as if he could see the real Kate, the one from before she was shot and, to some extent, the one she had been before her mother's murder. On the other hand, it was clear that she was upset for having let her guard down and let him take care of her, let him touch her that way. "Kate-"

"It's fine, I'm fine. Thanks, Castle."

Kate winced at Castle's snort, knowing he wouldn't believe her but annoyed that he would demonstrate it so rudely. As irritated as she suddenly was at the writer, the frustration she felt toward her current predicament was much more prominent as she found herself in the impossibility of pushing herself to a sitting position without flashing the man that was still in front of her.

Clenching her jaw, she debated about her next move as she stared into his challenging blue orbs. As much as she loathed admitting it, Kate had to face the truth. She may be well enough to walk around the loft, but her stiff back and broken ribs prevented her from twisting around and reaching for her hoodie without hurting herself. "Could you give me back my shirt?"

"No."

"No?"

Dark and slightly glassy eyes glared at him, daring him to repeat the foul word but Castle kept his ground, using a low, calming voice. "I used arnica oil to massage your back and it's best to let it rest a few minutes so it keeps the muscles from cramping too quickly again. Once I've cleaned your back you'll be able to put it back on."

"Oh."

Kate felt silly as she lay down on Richard Castle's bed, naked from the waist up, her back undoubtedly shiny with the oil the man had so thoroughly rubbed on her for the past thirty minutes. She could still feel his fingers on her, she reminisced with a silent moan. Her skin was still tingling and it wasn't because of the arnica oil. Feeling herself blush again the detective hid her face in the pillow, ignoring the twinge of pain as the cut on her forehead was pressed sharply against it. The action was not lost on the writer. "Hey, you okay?"

"Yeah."

"Do you hurt somewhere else? I could massage your calves or your arms, or-"

"Castle, don't."

Castle frowned at the sharp tone. "What is your problem, Beckett? Was it so horrible? Did I hurt you?"

The mumbled 'no' Castle was given annoyed him even more. "Then what it is? What did I do that was so terrible for you to snap at me again? Did it feel so horrible for you to feel my hands on you?"

This time the detective's reply was clear as she moved her head back to face him.

* * *

><p>"Hey, grams."<p>

Martha glanced up from the paper she was reading to watch her granddaughter close the loft's door before coming her way. "Alexis. Why aren't you in school?"

"Mrs. Mason had a family emergency and I had fourth and fifth period free, so I came back early." The teenager explained as she cast the living room a calculated casual glance. "Where's everyone? Is Kate okay?"

"They're talking in the bedroom. She woke up about two hours ago and I had a little chat with her while your father was out, and I believe he's been spending the last hour trying to knock some sense into her."

Alexis frowned, immediately worried. "Why? Did something else happen?"

"No, kiddo. But you know how Beckett is a private, independent woman and having people witnessing her...ordeal last night really upset her."

"Is she scared we're going to judge her or something? There's nothing to be embarrassed about, we all care about her." Alexis argued softly, dismayed that the detective could be uncomfortable around them because of what she was going through. Things may have been tense between the two of them but she had never stopped caring about the woman, and she thought they were doing better lately anyway. "Do you think I should go talk to her, tell her there's nothing to worry about?"

Martha glanced in her son's office direction as a small grin lit her face. "I think it's a great idea, sweetheart."

* * *

><p>"What?"<p>

Castle's knees were starting to hurt from kneeling on the floor but he didn't move. He wasn't sure if he ever wanted to move again, not after what Kate had just told him. "I..I'm sorry, what?"

"I am not repeating it." Kate huffed as she closed her eyes. Anything to avoid the writer's expression. Castle was trying so hard not to gloat but it was still obvious in his eyes. "Can I get my shirt back now?"

"Oh, yes of course. I mean, if you think you can handle it."

"Shut up, Castle, I mean it."

Castle took the detective's warning seriously and quieted down as he went back to pick up her shirt, laying it next to her before grabbing a towel. There was an hesitation before he lowered his hands on her again. "Just get it done, Castle, and you better not be gloating."

"Yes, right, sorry." The mystery writer smirked as he draped the soft yellow towel over the woman's back and gently but efficiently dried her skin as his mind spun wildly. She had loved it. She didn't want him to massage...other parts of her because she wasn't ready. It wasn't that she hadn't loved his massage. Her exact mumbled words had been 'quite the opposite,' and 'please, Rick, I can't do this now.'

The overexcited boy in him wanted to smile and dance around the bed at the admission, but the confession had come from Kate Beckett. No, not Beckett. Kate. Castle absently wondered if the words had slipped consciously or not, if she was really trying to be honest with him, or if it was a side effect from the sleeping medication she had took the night before. She did seem a little bit out of it still, he had remarked with a frown as he watched her earlier.

It didn't mean she hadn't been sincere about it though.

"Ok, I'm all done. How do you feel?"

Kate released a shaky breath. "Fine."

Castle observed her carefully before sitting on the bed and taking the oversized shirt in a hand. "Do you um, need help?"

"No thanks, I think I've got it." Kate replied as she slowly put a hand under her, bracing herself to sit up. "Um, Castle, could you...?"

"Oh, yes, sorry." The writer gracefully slid off the bed and turned his back on her, giving her privacy but refusing to leave the room in case she'd needed help.

Kate pursed her lips at the man's stubbornness, but it wasn't out of annoyance. She was struggling to hide the grin that threatened to escape her lips. She was still in shock that she had been so honest to him, and she was sure that even though she had quickly averted her eyes after admitting the effect he had on her, she knew the heat she felt as her cheeks burned had been seen by him as well.

She was pleasantly surprised that her back felt better as she pushed herself up gingerly. It still hurt but, for the first time since the accident, it didn't feel as if she was being stabbed in the back every time she moved. The man had been right to brag. He _was_ good at massages.

It took some patience and a few cringes from the cop but, quickly enough, she was sitting in the middle of the bed and reaching for her sweatshirt when the bedroom door opened after a brief knock, Alexis' head peeking in. "Hey, can I come- Oh God, Sorry!"

"Alexis!"

Kate froze, her eyes locking with Alexis briefly before snapping out of her haze and hastily grabbing her shirt. "Castle!"

The writer's eyes were on the now closed door of the bedroom, still slightly stunned at what just happened, but his ears perked up at the woman's tone. "Yes?"

"Go talk to your daughter, she must be freaking out."

"Oh. Right. Are you okay?" He asked as he walked to the door, getting the feeling his daughter was not the only upset one.

"I'm fine, just...just go, okay?"

Kate waited until her partner was gone before sighing and dropping the hand that had thankfully been covering herself when the teenager had barged in. She was embarrassed that Alexis had seen her like that. Once again, the incident brought up her insecurities, leaving her with pondering if she had made the right choice in agreeing in coming to stay at the loft.

* * *

><p>Fifteen minutes later, the detective ventured out of the bedroom to find the loft empty. She figured Castle must have been upstairs talking with Alexis and Martha had made herself scarce. Enjoying being able to walk around without having anyone staring and watching her every move, Kate traipsed into the kitchen and helped herself to a steaming cup of coffee. Castle had given her decaf for the major part of the week but he wasn't there now, and she deserved a cup of real coffee.<p>

Her mug was already half drank when a knock at the door startled her. Scowling and mumbling about everyone keeping knocking and interrupting, Kate slowly made her way to the door and flashed a surprised smile to her friend as she let him in. "Espo, hey."

"Hey, Beckett. Look at you, up and walking and everything." The Latino detective smiled, genuinely happy to see his boss and friend back on her feet. "You alone?"

"No, I think Castle is upstairs with Alexis. Why?"

"Just wondering why he wasn't hovering like usual." Esposito smirked as he followed Kate in the kitchen, enjoying the eye roll she shot him. "Coffee?"

"Sure."

"So, not that I'm not happy to see you, but what brings you here with a bunch of folders under your arm and an odd look on your face?" Kate asked as she took a seat next to her friend and pushing a cup of coffee in front of him.

"I have papers for you to sign so we can press charges on Walberg." Esposito told her, opening the folders and pushing them so Kate could take a look at them. "You just need to sign where the 'x's are."

Kate felt the detective studying him as she signed her name on several pieces of paper, finding it strange to be filling them out as a victim instead of the investigating cop. "I am doing the right thing? He's just a kid. A stupid one, but still."

"Don't even think about dropping the charges, Beckett. The 'kid' is eighteen, he's not a kid anymore. He thought it'd be fun to play cat and mouse with a cop so let him deal with the consequences. He could have killed you, he's not getting away with this."

"Espo-"

"No, this isn't up for discussion." He warned her, taking back the files to check if everything was in order when she was done. "We found a new lead, by the way."

"Really? Who?"

Esposito smirked at the eager look on his almost sister's face. "The ex-girlfriend's father. Turned out he wasn't too fond of the victim, and he has no alibi for Victoria's time of death."

"Castle had called him, didn't he? After accusing the butler." Kate grinned at the news, and she found herself hoping they were going to wrap it up soon. The case had threatened to mess with her head enough already, even if she hadn't had time to spend much time working on it. "Hey, Espo?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think Castle could be there when you interrogate him? He had a feeling from the start that it'd be him, and it'd give him a break from being stuck here."

"Sure," Esposito agreed easily, "but don't you mean it'll give _you_ a break?"

Kate glared and swatted his arm. "Real funny, Javi."

"Just admit it, Beckett, you miss my jokes. You miss me." Esposito's cheesy line and Kate laughed before shooting the man a pointed look and a smirk. "Damn, you're right. But if that so, why am I sending Castle, the master of rapier wit, to go along with you instead of going myself?"

"Touché. But you know that Gates would kick your ass if you showed up your face at the precinct." Esposito watched his friend more closely when she didn't reply. She had flashed him a faint grin but nothing else. "How are you holding up, Kate?"

Kate's attention snapped to the cop at his use of her name. He almost never used it. "I'm fine, Javi. I guess I'm just antsy for things to go back to normal. And, hopefully, I'd like to manage being back to work for more than two months at the time for once. All of this is getting ridiculous." She sighed as she ran a hand over her face.

Esposito only nodded and kept his trained eyes on her, waiting. Kate met his eyes and felt something stirred inside as he stared unblinkingly at her. Her features darkened and her tired, sienna orbs narrowed as it dawned on her. "Who told you?"

"Lanie. She didn't say anything specific, but I heard her talking to Castle last night. We know that Castle has special...privileges, but we're your friends too, especially Lanie. She won't push you but she wants in, Kate. Don't be scared of talking to her. Or any of us, anytime. Okay?"

Kate pursed her lips but nodded half-heartedly, her eyes glued to her now empty cup. Esposito's gaze weighed down heavily on her but she couldn't meet his eyes, not quite just yet.

Footsteps in the stairs provided a more than welcome distraction for Kate. Castle's smile widened as he caught the sight before him, glad to see her up and having company by her side. "Esposito, my man!"

"Hey, bro. I see you two haven't killed each other yet."

Castle and Beckett shared a look, missing the other detective's quirked eyebrow as he watched them curiously. "Nope. We've had our moments I will let you know that I have been a perfect gentleman."

Esposito leaned beside Kate while keeping a suspicious eye on the writer. "Did he?"

Kate laughed and she was strongly tempted to deny it just to see Castle squirmed a bit, but in the end she nodded and padded his chest as the writer came close and stopped by her side. "He did. Even if he kept giving me that decaf crap all week."

Castle scoffed and pulled away before he could be hit by the detective's small but strong fist. "Yeah, because having you on strong painkillers _and _high on caffeine would have been smart."

"Esposito, didn't you come here to talk to him?" Kate pointedly ignored the writer's last comment to look at her friend. "Didn't you want him to go with you somewhere?"

Castle leaned over the counter, instantly curious. "What? Where do you want to go? Have you found the killer? Is it the ex-girlfriend's father?"

Kate rolled her eyes while Esposito debriefed the writer. Castle's smile got brighter as the story evolved, clearly excited about the imminent arrest, until something caught up with him. "I'm glad you thought of him, man, but I can't. Text me with updates though, okay?"

"Castle, don't feel like you have to stay here because of me, you should go. You did make the call about the father." Kate frowned and looking at Esposito for back up. "Javi?"

"Beckett's right, bro. Look at her, she can stay on her own for a while, and I'm sure she'll even promise she won't do anything stupid."

"Thanks a lot, Espo."

"No offense, boss, but we know you." Esposito replied with a sharp look, nonplussed by the detective's glare.

"Fine, I promise. Happy?"

"Um..."

"Ah, come on, Castle! There's no need for the both of us to sulk here all day. Go, have some fun."

Castle fidgeted, clearly wanting to be part of the take down but he didn't want to leave the woman alone, not after the events of the night before. No matter what kind of case the team would be working on, when it came down to it, he would always choose Kate over everything else. "Are you sure? Alexis was planning to go to the movies later but I can ask her-"

"Castle, don't. I don't need to be monitored or babysit. And you certainly don't need to chain your daughter here as well, especially not after this morning. You can go, she can go, it's all fine."

Esposito watched the strange exchange, making a mental note to text Lanie about it later. "So, bro, you coming?" The Latino detective asked as he gathered the files and walked to the door, squeezing Kate's shoulder as he passed by her. "Take care, Beckett."

Castle observed cautiously his partner one last time before nodding. "Fine. But I'll call to check on you later." Glancing over his shoulder and seeing that the other detective was busy on his phone, Castle leaned down and took Kate's hand in his own. "Are we good?"

"Of course," Kate reassured him, gripping his fingers into her own, "I'm tired so I'll probably end up sleeping off the pill anyway."

"Okay. I'll be back soon. Get some rest and please, don't drink too much coffee. Please?" Castle asked softly and, in a daring move considering he didn't know exactly where they stood after the morning they had, pressed his lips over her temple, letting them linger several seconds before pulling back.

Kate watched them go, taken aback. Finally alone, she listened to any potential movement coming from upstairs and, hearing nothing, glanced at her father's watch, staring at the time as if it was trying to tell her something.

With a sigh the detective got up on her feet and went back to the room, stopping in the middle of the living room a few moments to cast the loft a surprisingly longing stare. Going back to the bedroom, Kate eyed the unmade bed and the scattered towels on the floor, the sight of them bringing back to feeling of having had the man's warm and caring hands on her. This was going too fast. This was not how it was supposed to go.

Kate let her hand curled into a fist at her side before it made its way up to her chest, her fingers instinctively spreading to cover her scar and she took a deep breath, her eyes widening when the air caught in her throat.

It was all going too fast.

* * *

><p>Thanks a lot for all the feedback and such, that was awesome! Please keep them coming!<p> 


	10. Chapter 10

So sorry for the delay. Things are crazy, but hopefully it won't be that long again before I update again. Feel free to review, it is always so appreciated! A big thanks to **Leonhart17**, who helped out with this chapter when I was stuck with writer's block...thanks, my friend, you're awesome!

Also a special thank you for **Speechless, **whose reviews are always amazing and makes my day! Hopefully you feel better, enjoy that chapter!

* * *

><p>"You've got to be kidding me."<p>

"Nope."

"Come on, he has the perfect motive, his alibi is complete crap and yet you can't even arrest him?"

Esposito glared at Castle. He was as annoyed as the writer about the case's latest development but at least he didn't whine about it. "His sponsor confirms having seen him around the time of death so there's nothing more we can do for now."

Castle sighed, his frustration eventually echoed by the two male detectives. "Something doesn't add up." He mumbled tersely, his eyes glued to the murder board and at the picture of the victim. "What about the kid, any new development there?"

The girl's photograph was creeping him out. As much as he tried not to look at her, his brain seems to have a mind of its own and kept going back at the teenager, stricken by her resemblance to Beckett. He still hadn't mentioned it to anyone because he didn't want to be stared at as if he was crazy, but it was still bothering him.

Esposito noticed the writer's fixation on the girl's picture. "Yeah, we convicted him with obstruction of justice, assault on a police officer and every single bit of crap we could find. He's going to have to go to court next week to get his sentence. What is it with you and this picture, bro?"

"Nothing." Castle quickly looked away, his eyes gazing over Beckett's desk before meeting the Latino detective's. "Wait, if he has to go to court, does this mean that Beckett's going to have and testify against him?"

"That is exactly what it means, Mr. Castle." Captain Victoria Gates joined in as she walked by and stopped by the desks. "How is she holding up?"

Castle shared a look with Esposito and Ryan before placating a smile on his face. "She's better. I'm pretty sure she's taking advantage of her time alone at the loft right now to plot ways to get back at work on Monday."

Gates studied him for a moment before her eyes shifted to the detectives, testing them. "Well, if that's the case, why don't you tell her to come by tomorrow. I want to see for myself how she's doing and if I like what I see, maybe we'll discuss her coming back early, for desk duty only."

"Is it me or did she just grow a heart?" Ryan stared at their boss's back as she retreated, all three men standing still and wearing matching stunned looks.

Esposito shook his head and went back to the board after one last glance at the Captain's office door. "Gates runs a tight ship but she's not a bad person at heart."

Ryan raised an eyebrow and smirked at his partner, fighting off a snicker. "Is there something you need to tell us, Javi?"

"What I just said? Those are Beckett's words, not mine, and she's right. And I think that Beckett likes her, you know when they're not butting heads or arguing."

"So," Castle interrupted them so they wouldn't have to drag awkward apologies to one another, "what's our next move since the father's out? Going through everybody's statements again? Bringing down the ex-girlfriend again for more questioning? Call it a night?"

Esposito stared at the writer as if he had grown a second head. A second, female head. "Dude, it's not even six."

"I know but it'd be easier to start again in the morning with fresh eyes, fresh coffee, you know."

Ryan and Esposito exchanged a knowing look. Castle has never been the most subtle one, and the way he kept glancing at both his watch and cell phone every fifteen minutes had made it obvious that he was getting restless and wanted to call their boss to check up on her. "Don't let us keep you from obsessing on Beckett, bro. You can call her if you want or, even better, you can go home if you want. You've been here for hours now."

Castle pointed stare narrowed as he sat on the desk and grabbed his phone out of his pocket. "I knew you were dragging me here on purpose. What did she tell you?"

"Nothing, Castle. She was just worried that you were going a little crazy trapped at your place, she thought it'd do you good to catch a breather for a while." Esposito told him calmly, watching as the writer glued his ear to his cell, his face showing signs of impatience when he got no answer.

"She's not picking up."

"She told you she was going to take a nap." The detective reminder him with a look, although he didn't like that the phone call had remained unanswered either. "Don't call every ten seconds, bro, it's creepy."

Castle waved him off, as his fingers danced on his phone. "I'm texting Alexis. I am not creepy, Espo."

"The way you were hovering over her at the loft? A little creepy, dude. You know she doesn't like that when we breathe down her neck."

The writer's concerned blue eyes turned to the detective, suddenly wary. A dreadful feeling slowly crept up his spine and he jumped when his phone chimed.

Esposito and Ryan mimicked Castle's frown as he read his daughter's text out loud. "Alexis left the loft about two hours ago and she says that Kate was in the bedroom, but she doesn't know what she was doing."

Castle's whole body tensed as thoughts swirled wildly through his mind, every single one of them as terrifying as the other. Thoughts of Kate being in any kind of distress tore at him and the man was on his feet in a heartbeat when the idea of coming back home only to find the place empty grazed his mind. She wouldn't do that, he thought desperately. She wouldn't, not after the moments they had shared, as small as they were. Another thought popped inside his head, one that he even refused to acknowledged. The timing of this was all too perfect: the way she had pulled back after they had started getting closer, her asking him not to call, Alexis going out, him out of the picture as well...

Castle made up his mind in a heartbeat. "You guys call if you find anything new, alright?" Grabbing his jacket and shoving his phone in his pocket, he didn't wait for an answer as he rushed his way to the elevator.

Both detectives watched him go, Ryan sparing a glance to Esposito once Castle was completely gone. "Think she did something stupid?"

"She'd better not."

* * *

><p>His mind still filled with a hundred different worst case scenarios, Castle stopped abruptly in the loft's doorway when two things hit him, the first one being the quietness of the loft. Not that is was so noisy usually, but there was always at least <em>some<em> noise, whether it was Alexis upstairs or Martha rehearsing or singing or doing whatever she was in the mood for that day.

As Castle made his way in, he took in his apartment's complete silence and tried not to see it as a bad sign. Kate had never been the noisiest person to be around and she'd been extra careful while she was living at the loft, but it was simply _too _quiet.

It was only when Castle reached the living room that he noticed what had troubled him when he had first stepped inside. His nostrils flared and his head snapped towards the kitchen. Something was definitely cooking, and it smelled delicious. His stomach rumbling, Castle was briefly caught between peeking at what was cooking and finding Kate.

His feet were trotting to his bedroom as soon as her name brushed his worried brain, mentally bracing himself to find it deserted and cold. In a childish move he covered his eyes as he pushed the door opened and, holding his breath, peeked between his fingers.

Castle could have wept in relief when his eyes caught sight of dark curls of hair under the lump of blankets on his bed. She was still there. Kate was fast asleep, curled up in the middle of the bed with the covers forming a mountain over her small body.

Cautious as to not jostle the bed too much, Castle sat next to her and let his hand reach for her cheek, brushing a lock her hair back so he could take a better look at her. Feeling foolishly braver when Kate didn't wake up, Castle let his fingers graze her jaw before coming back up. His hand had spread and was about to cup her cheek in an attempt at waking her up gently when a shrill noise suddenly exploded next to him, startling him.

The shock of a hand smashing against her face tore Kate out of slumber violently, her eyes snapping open in confusion as she glared at a sheepish looking writer hovering over her. "Jesus Christ Castle, what the- did you just slap me?"

"No...it was an accident, I swear! I was about to wake you up before your phone scared the crap out of me. What the hell was that sound?" Castle mumbled hurriedly when green, annoyed eyes pinned him on the spot.

"Alarm." Beckett answered deadpanned as she twisted and sat up. "I wanted to make sure I'd wake up in time so I went for the most annoying one."

"That's one term to describe it." Castle was breathing more freely now that it didn't seem he was going to get his head ripped off by a still sleepy detective, but he still kept more distance than usual between them. Just in case. "Hey, Kate?"

"Mmm?"

Castle was at a loss for words, just like every time that soft moan-like sound escaped the woman's mouth. "Um."

Both stared at each other, curious yet expecting the other to make the first move. A slight pressure made Kate look down; somehow the writer's hand had landed on her blanket-covered knee and was squeezing it rather tightly. Her eyes slowly rising until they were on the man's lips, Kate felt her lips part and her breath quicken. "Oh Crap!"

"Crap?"

Kate ignored Castle's shocked face and pushed herself off the bed as fast as she could, swatting his hand away when he tried to hold her back. "Out of the way, Castle!"

The writer watched as the detective dashed out of the room, stunned. She was moving stiffly but she was definitely quicker than the day before. Castle pondered absently if the sudden improvement was due to his massage, but his mind couldn't come up with a logical answer as he trailed behind the woman, a dazed smile on his lips. Kate must have taken a shower earlier because she wasn't wearing the same clothes anymore.

* * *

><p>Kate had reached the kitchen and was pulling a tall, wooden spoon from a drawer when she came to a sudden realization. Not only could she feel the warmth coming from the heated floors, but she could also feel the soft, warm waves emanating from the fireplace a few feet away. On her legs or, more accurately, on her thighs. Biting back a frustrated groan, Kate pulled on her thankfully slightly too big shirt in a desperate attempt at covering herself, even if she knew it was pointless.<p>

Turning back to the counter and concentrating on the pots on the stove, hoping the steam coming out of them would cover up her blushing cheeks, Kate bit her lower lip, grateful for having gone with hipster panties instead of the thong she had first picked. "So?"

Her face scrunching up at the smirk that was obvious even through the man's voice, Kate cleared her throat and kept her eyes glued in front of her. "So what?"

She should've been surprised when a head appeared next to hers, deep blue orbs boring into hers. As far as they quasi relationship went, however, not much could surprise her anymore, not when it came down to Richard Castle. "Did you really cook? For us?"

'Huh.' "Yeah, is that a problem?" Kate sighed quietly, proud that she had managed to speak without her voice squeaking or faltering. "I thought it'd be nice, not to have to eat take-out for once."

"You, the queen of the Styrofoam cuisine, is sick of take-out? This day gets more surprising and entertaining by the minute." He tossed between them with an amused smile and a quirk of the eyebrow.

"Come on, Castle, you've never seen an ass before?" The words were out of Kate's mouth before she could take them back, at the writer's highest pleasure.

To his honor, Castle's eyes never wavered from Kate's as he spoke. "Yes, both physical and metaphorical. But one as great, as perfect as yours, no. Never."

An impressive roll of eyes and scarlet cheeks disappeared when Beckett turned her head back to the food. "Not even from the deep-fried twinkie?"

Castle's snort was loud and incredulous. "Don't even talk about her. Alexis already said her name today and I'm pretty sure if we say it again, she will pull a Bloody Mary on us. But for the record, you are no deep-fried twinkie. A twinkie is not good enough to describe you."

"Oh really? Then what am I, Castle?" Kate challenged him with a slight glare, unsure of the turn the conversation was taking.

Castle looked pensive a long moment before a smile slowly spread over his face. "You, my dear detective," he began as he delicately took her injured hand in his, "are a Tiramisu."

"What?"

Castle fought the urge to kiss the woman's cute frown and explained his theory before Kate's confusion turned into annoyance. "Okay, so the tiramisu is sweet but not too much, just like you; it is a delicate, yet tasteful dessert whose main ingredient is espresso," Castle smirked and Kate had to chuckle at that, "but more importantly, it is a dessert that can be done hundreds of different ways, but a true tiramisu is unique and when someone finds _the one recipe_, he keeps it for life. One and done."

Kate swallowed and forced her hands to remain calm. She was trying so hard to come up with something that wouldn't make it sound like the man had just serenaded her by comparing her to a dessert. It didn't help that it was her favorite dessert either. "Really? A tiramisu, Castle? You know that the name 'tiramisu' means 'pick me up?'

The man's eyes widened slightly but he quickly switched his hold on her by moving his hand up to her shoulder. "Um, yes. But there's an even more popular metaphorical saying that says it means 'makes me happy.'

"So, what are you cooking?" Castle asked kindly, offering a distraction for the now blushing cop. He wasn't upset that she didn't find a comeback to throw at him. He wasn't even bothered by her silence. It, indeed, made him happy because had he said something like that a year before, or even just a few months ago, he would have gotten a glare and an imaginative death threat from the woman.

As she stood in the kitchen in silence however, her eyes too focused on the moving spoon and her movements slow and deliberate, it was enough for Castle to confirm that he hadn't been imagining the last couple of days. Kate was slowly starting to open up to him.

Kate, grateful for the distraction, grinned as she glanced briefly at her partner. "It's a stew. I'm sorry it's nothing fancy but I was kind of limited in what I could do."

"It's perfect." He reassured her with a grin, genuinely pleased and, if he was honest, a little excited that the detective had taken upon herself to make his family dinner. "How did you manage do pull this off anyway? Half of what's in there wasn't in the fridge. Please tell me you didn't go out by yourself."

"I called the market two blocks down, and they delivered." Kate rolled her eyes, discovering that she wasn't annoyed with the writer's comment. "It's almost ready, the only thing left to do is the salad. Apparently, I can chop carrots, but tomatoes are too fancy for my temporary sucky dicing skills."

Castle laughed and brushed a hand over her shoulder as he went around herself to raid the fridge from the needed ingredients. Kate watched him work in silence, nodding and humming in frustration as he told her about the case's latest development. "Hey, Castle?"

"You're going back to your place, aren't you?" The smile on Castle's face dimmed and his shoulders slumped. "I'm actually surprised you lasted this long here without trying to bolt."

Kate frowned and stiffened. "Is that really what you think? That I've been looking for a way to leave since I've been here? I'm not bolting, Castle, I swear. You need your time with Alexis, and I need to get back on my feet by myself for a while."

The mumbling that came out of Castle's mouth wasn't clear, but Kate had a good idea of what it was. "It won't be the same, Cas- Rick. It isn't the same. I'm not leaving forever, I'm just going back to my apartment. Neither of us can deny that something changed in the last week and, and I need to think."

"And you can't do that here."

Kate sighed at the resignation in the man's voice. "No, but not because of what you think. You, you make things too confusing right now and I can't think straight so I need some space." She explained to him, a pointed look aiming at him. "Space, not time."

"I'm confusing you? What the hell does 'space, not time' is supposed to mean?" Castle asked warily, getting angry despite his best efforts.

Glancing up as she searched for the right words, Kate leaned against the counter. As better as she was feeling, she was still tired and standing still for too long caused her back to twinge painfully. "I want to be with you, Rick. Not just as a partner, I-I want more than that but I need to get better first, I want- I need to be more than what I am right now." There. She had said it. It wasn't all she wanted to say, but it would have to suffice for the moment.

Not many people could manage to render Richard Castle speechless, but Kate Beckett certainly owned the world record for that. As he stared at her, his heart thumping loudly in his chest and his mind spinning about what she had just admit, Castle got scared. Genuinely afraid of saying the wrong thing, anything that would make her change her mind and go away for good. "You mean, you have feelings for me? Like, romantic I-want-to-kiss-you feelings?"

Castle's smile got bigger and wider when Kate bit her lip and slightly blushed. As excited as he was though, something that had been dormant at the back of his mind came back to him at that moment, screaming at him until it wouldn't be ignored anymore. His smile faded but didn't vanish completely, instead shifting from ecstatic to gentle, careful. "You remember, don't you?"


	11. Chapter 11

Hey everyone! I can keep apologizing for being a sucky updater, but I have been running around more that I've graduated than when I still had classes (maybe because I was using that time to write).

So, after spending a couple of weeks in Los Angeles for much needed vacation, where I met the sweet and amazing Stana Katic herself, here I am again. This chapter is shorter than usual but hey, shorter is better than none at all, right?

* * *

><p>'You remember, don't you?'<p>

Kate sighed and closed her eyes as she rested her head against the back of the couch. Her bare feet up on the coffee table, the detective slowly felt her body melting into the oversized cushions of her couch and moaned as the pressure on her back slowly faded away.

She was almost dozing when a hand brushed against her thigh. Opening her eyes lazily, she smiled gratefully as Castle pushed a warm mug in her hands. "Thank you."

Castle nodded and sat next to her, moving his body sideways so he could watch her without craning his neck, yet close enough so his knee grazed her thigh.

Then he watched her.

Because she had yet to explain her remembering his love declaration; why she had lie about it for the last six months.

Kate had been trapped like a deer in headlights upon hearing Castle's words and she didn't have time to explain that Alexis had came back, and the writer had to distract her long enough so Kate could sneak back to the bedroom to put some pants on. Things were confusing enough as it was without bringing the younger Castle into the mix as well.

But now, three hours later and lounging on her own couch with a writer watching her intently, Beckett wanted to back out. No, she didn't want to, she just wanted more time to figure out how to fix this. She needed more time to-

"Stop thinking so hard, Kate."

Beckett turned, startled, to face an ominous looking Castle. "How did you…?"

"You get this little frown when you think hard, like when you stare at a murder board for hours until it unveils before you. And the way you were biting your lip just now? It tells me that you're desperately trying to find a way to back out of this."

Castle watched as Kate's whole demeanor crumbled right before his eyes, leaving the woman next to him slumped on the couch, struggling for words. "You know me too well."

"I guess. This is one of those moments I'm glad I am though. Don't take this the wrong way, Kate, but I am not leaving until we've talked about this." Castle's voice was stern and laced with anger, but it was still soft, warm. "Why have you lied to me, Kate?"

"Wow. Start with the easy ones, why don't you?" Kate mumbled with a sigh, still unwilling to meet Castle's eyes.

"I learned from the best."

Kate glanced at the man, pursing her lips in dismay upon seeing the hardness in his eyes. "I'm so sorry, Rick."

The look he was giving her clearly meant that is wasn't enough, and that she had to try harder. "I, I can't even make excuses, I don't have any valid ones."

"Let me guess, then, Kate. You were scared, confused. You were in pain, under heavy medication; you were still grieving from Roy's death and the actual pain of having been shot." Castle started, struggling with keeping his anger in check. Witnessing Kate struggling as well tore at his heart, although she was obviously having trouble keeping the tears away, her jaw clenching and her eyes blinking too quickly.

"I think that you feel like you don't have any excuses, because you know you did wrong. In that beautiful, damned stubborn head of yours, you felt like you couldn't accept help from anyone so you punished yourself by pushing people away. You pushed _me_ away."

"I didn't want to." Kate finally whispered as she lost battle against her tears. "I wanted to call you so bad, Castle, I swear."

"Then why didn't you? How could you have possibly thought that any good could come out of it?"

Kate sighed and, after hesitating a long moment, turned to face Castle. "I didn't know what to do, Rick. I've never been good at taking care of myself and getting shot…it was…too much. I didn't want to be a burden for anyone."

"Katherine Beckett, that must be the stupidest thing I have ever heard coming from you and, believing me, I've heard a lot." Castle leaned forward and took Kate's hands in his, tightly enough that she couldn't free them even if she wanted to. "I love you, Kate. My timing might have sucked when I said it, but I meant it. I love you and you're stuck with me, whether you like it or not."

Castle expected a glare, a scoff or having his ear ripped off but he was shocked when the sound of a watery chuckle met his ears. "Kate?"

"It's just…Every time either of us tries to make a move, the other goes around and screws up. It's like there's some kind of cosmic joke on us, something always comes up between us."

Castle frowned ominously, silently agreeing with his partner. "I know we've had some pretty bad timing over the years, Kate, but in this case? It's not karma, it's you. You made the decision to not act on us, especially after I practically gave you the opportunity on a silver platter."

Kate cringed but didn't answer right away. She deserved to be chastised, as embarrassing as it felt. "I, I wish I could blame it on the drugs they kept me on. It is much harder to live with the guilt when you're the only one to blame."

"Why didn't you call, then? Or let your father call me?"

Kate glanced at Castle for the first time in a long moment, pondering his questions. "I guess that, the most honest answer I can give you was that Ii thought you deserved better. I didn't want to be the one taking you away from your own life to get sucked into my own. I didn't want to take you away from Alexis."

Castle's demeanor changed and his eyes narrowed as his anger returned with a vengeance. "Do you really think I'd believe such bullshit from you, or are you really that dense?"

"I. Love. You! Anyone could see it, even the night janitors at the precinct! Damn it, Kate, you might be one of New York's best detectives, but you really can be emotionally retarded when it comes to relationships." Castle snapped his mouth shut but it was too late.

The humiliated look that crossed Kate's face hit him like bullet in the chest, but it was too late to take it back. "Kate, I-"

"Don't. Just, get out."

"Kate, please, let me-"

"Let you what? You're a writer, Castle, you know how to use your words and you just proved it. Now get out." Kate mumbled, her voice barely above a whisper but still loud and clear to the man's ears.

Castle's heart stuttered in pain. He couldn't do this. If he walked out now, she wouldn't take him back. Part of him thought how ironic how the tables had turned so quickly, and so viciously. "That's not what I meant, and you know it."

Kate laughed, her teary eyes burning a hole right through him and ripping his heart out of him with every second that passed. "You feel like I've been treated you like a fool because I lied about remembering, and that what, I don't care about you?"

"I've always had issues, Rick. Still have, but I've been working on them. I've been working so hard to be more, for _you,_ so you wouldn't have to deal with an emotionally _retarded _girlfriend. But I guess it doesn't matter now. Not anymore anyway."

"Kate-"

Get out, Castle. I mean it."

Castle refused to be bullied by the still temporarily crippled cop, as terrifying as she might still be at the moment. "No."

Challenge flared in Kate's eyes. "No?"

"No. I'm sorry about what I said, it was out of line and I didn't mean it, but I am not leaving this place until we've talked."

The writer kept his ground but gulped nervously when cold, calculating eyes landed on him. "Fine."

"Fine?"

"I'm going to bed. Do what the hell you want to do, I'm done with this." Beckett hissed but her voice lacked the fury her eyes contained earlier. Instead she sounded dejected, as if she was done fighting. Literally.

Before she could reach her room she found herself almost stumbling against Castle, who had ran for the bedroom door the second he saw her moving. "Castle!" The fight had taken its toll on the detective and her knees buckled when she tried to get a grip against the doorway. She would have taken a dive face first if it hadn't been for two strong hands that caught her around the waist, their solid grip keeping her upright. "Castle, let me go!"

"Never." Castle had taken the incident to his advantage and efficiently wrapped his arms around her, effectively pinning her against his chest. "Kate, honey please. I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I swear. I love you, I love you so much."

Faster than he could have ever wished for, Castle felt Kate's struggles lessen, his heart swelling up when she slumped against him, her body shaking under gut wrenching sobs.

* * *

><p>The room was dark when Kate opened her eyes again. Blinking the dried tears away and looking around in confusion, the woman frowned as she recognized her own bedroom. 'Huh.'<p>

Groaning at the beginning of a migraine behind her eyes, Kate rolled onto her side and yelped as a set of dull but still beautiful blue eyes stared back at her. "Hey."

"Um, hey. What time is it?"

"Quarter after midnight." Castle informed her quietly as he sat up and handed her a glass of water with two small pills. Kate glared at them but still took them without a protest, if only for her head's sake.

Castle waited until after the detective lay back down to do the same, resting his head close to hers but still keeping enough distance between them. "It hurt so much."

Wide sienna eyes bore into him once again, but this time the anger was gone, instead filled with what the writer thought was sorrow and shame. When it was clear that Kate wasn't going to talk again anytime soon, Castle continued. "I thought you didn't like me that way. I felt so stupid, pining after you all those years and for what? So you could feel like you could lie to me and carry one like nothing was wrong."

"Castle…"

"No, I mean let me finish, okay? Please?" Grateful when a subtle nod encouraged him forward, Castle swallowed tiredly. "But then we had this talk on the swing sets. What you told me that day, I thought it meant something. I thought that you were telling me, in your own way, that you wanted me to wait for you, so I waited."

The partners shared a look, gauging each other. "You could've told me, you know. All you had to do was to tell me you weren't ready yet. Anything would have been better than keep hearing you didn't remember anything."

Kate sighed as she closed her eyes, the weight of the day pressing down on her already. "I'm sorry, Rick, I really am. I wish I could turn back time and fix it, but I can't."

"Maybe you can."

Kate looked up in surprise, dubious but nonetheless curious about whatever Castle had in mind. "What do you mean?"

Castle shifted and moved closer to Kate so their heads were almost touching on the woman's pillow. "You could tell me."

"Tell you." Curiosity left the cop's drawn features, only to be replaced by uncertainty and doubt. "About what, when I was in the hospital?"

"Yes."

"No, Castle, I-"

"Kate, please. I'm not asking for gruesome details. Not until you're willing to talk about it anyway. When are you going to realize that I want to know you, all of you?"

Castle feared he had lost her again when she avoided his gaze, so when she finally locked eyes with him a moment later, a deep breath of relief shook him. "What if…?

"What if what?"

Kate bit her lip and hesitantly moved her hand until it connected with the man's chest. "I don't like to tell stories when I'm all broken and weak. It…you…"

Pressing his own hand over hers, Castle inched his head closer so he could whisper in the woman's ear. "Use your words, sweetie. I'm not going anywhere."

"You fell in love with a homicide detective, not the walking mess I am deep down, under the peels." She ushered hastily before she lost the nerves to voice her biggest insecurity to the man she loved.

Castle was floored. "Oh, Kate…is that really what you thought all this time? I had a crush on hot, savvy, detective you, that part is true, but falling in love? I fell in love with Katherine, with Kate, and with Katie. Detective Beckett was just an added bonus."

Castle couldn't deal with the lingering fear he was seeing in his partner's eyes. It tore at his heart so bad that before he could restrain himself, he had closed the distance separating him from Kate and softly, so delicately he wasn't even sure it was happening, pressed his lips against hers.

He felt her breath hitch in her throat as her hand clenched under his, pulling tightly at his shirt, and was about to pull back when she responded. It was shy, hesitant, but it was there. Just like an injured bird inching uncertainly yet hopefully towards a healing hand, her kiss was light but sweet, as if she couldn't believe it either.

"Castle?" She whispered as they pulled away, way too soon for their liking.

Daring to peck her lips once more before looking at her with bright eyes, Castle grinned and nodded. "Yes, Kate?"

"I love you too."


	12. Chapter 12

Soooooooooo sorry about the lack of updates...real life has gotten in the way, and I was hit with writer's block as well. This has definitely become AU, because of Always...Best news is, only 54 days before "After the Storm". Thanks so much for sticking with me on this, I will try my best to wrap it up and update sooner next time...Until next chapter...

English is my second language, so any typos and/or grammar mistakes are entirely mine, most probably because I haven't noticed them...Sorry about that.

* * *

><p>As much as Castle loved having Kate Beckett at his loft, where he got to see her everyday and, he thought gleefully, have her all to himself, seeing her back in her element at the 12th felt good. It somehow felt like having released the tiger back in its natural habitat.<p>

Not that he would ever risk voicing that particular comparison out loud, especially when there was even the slightest chance she could hear him.

As he purposefully walked to her desk, five cups of coffee balanced precariously in hands, he observed her with bright eyes, a soft smile on his face. She was sitting at her desk, her back carefully resting against the back of her chair, but she had turned it so she could face the murder board.

Castle noted with confusion that is was a new one. The picture of a man now replaced the one of Victoria's, and by the looks of it, a suspect was already about to be arrested. "Hey."

Beckett swiveled on her chair, her eyes lighting up as she watched the writer close the distance between them. "Hey. That's a lot of coffees."

"I figured we could share with the team, to celebrate your first day back and all." Castle explained as he handed hers with a smile. "New murder board?"

Kate's features darkened and she wasn't quick enough to school them. "Gates closed it. They couldn't find any new leads so she shelved it."

"I'm sorry."

Kate shrugged to mask her discontentment. "The guys already have a suspect for the new case though, so maybe if we can close this one fast I could convince Gates to reopen the other one now that I'm back."

Castle grinned and looked around quickly, noticing that the bullpen was quiet and that neither Esposito or Ryan were in sight. "The boys went to pick up the suspect?"

"Yeah."

Castle sighed and sat in his chair before grasping Kate's to turn her over to him. "You just got back. Not being able to go on the field doesn't mean you can't interrogate suspects and solve crimes, Kate."

"I know," she mumbled as she picked up a pen on the desk and fiddled nervously with it, "and I'm glad to be back, but I hate being stuck with all the paperwork."

"They know better than do that to you, sweetie." Castle comforted her but closed his mouth shut at the glare he received. "No endearment words at work?"

Kate shot him a pointed look and turned back to her desk and the file opened on it. Sensing the detective's frustrated mood, Castle purposefully grabbed one of the coffees and gently deposited in front of Kate, his fingers barely caressing hers as he retreated his hand.

"It better not be decaf, Castle." Kate muttered, her eyes never leaving the pages on the desk.

"_Regular _grande skim latte with two pumps of sugar-free vanilla." He recited patiently as his lips twisted in a gently smile. "So," he continued after watching his partner all but launching at her coffee and draining half of it in one gulp, "I was thinking you could come over to the loft and have dinner with us tonight."

Kate glanced at him in confusion, coffee still half raised. "Why?"

"Do I need a reason to invite you over, detective?"

"Well, no." Kate frowned sheepishly, sighing as she leaned back in her chair. "I don't know how long I'll be here, Rick. I have a lot to catch up on."

Castle matched her position, making himself comfortable in his chair. "You know that Gates or the boys will have your head if you stay later than six. _I_ will have your head as well. Besides, I believe you still owe me a talk, so we can either do it at my place, or I can pick you up and we'll head over to your apartment."

Burrowed eyebrows and pursed lips were never a sign of a cooperative Beckett. "I owe you a conversation?"

"We were supposed to talk last night but you fell asleep on me right after we-"

"She what?" Esposito squeaked, stopping dead in his tracks. The Latino detective eyed them with a bewildered smirk on his face, forgetting for a moment he was handling a suspect. "Bro, if-"

"Nothing happened, Esposito, get your mind out of the gutter. You too, Ryan." Kate growled as she shot them a warning glare. "Bring him to interrogation room two, Espo, I'll be there in a minute, okay?"

No one missed the suspicious glare Esposito shot Beckett with as he tugged on the suspect's arm, dragging forcefully further down the precinct. A few feet away Ryan fidgeted with the case file in his hands, debating whether if he should keep the file with him, or give it to the senior detective and flee to safety.

Beckett took the decision for him as she stared pointedly at him until the small, Irish detective all but shove the file in her hands before rushing off to find his partner.

"Hey, Ryan!"

The detective jumped and spun around at the shout. His frown grew bigger and he cocked his head, watching her in confusion when he realized she was smiling and pointing at her desk. "Castle brought you guys coffee."

A surprised grin lighted the man's features and he relaxed. "Ok, we'll get Marlowe settled and I'll come back to pick them up. Thanks, Castle."

Castle's eyes were on her when she turned back to him. "What? Stop staring, Castle, it's creepy." Kate retorted as she focused her attention back to the file on her desk.

Castle smirked as he not so secretly enjoyed the amused grin she failed to hide. "Yes, dear. But in order to buy my silence, you have to come over for dinner tonight."

Kate sighed and closed the file. It wasn't even nine in the morning and her patience was already wearing thin. As she glanced up at the man and founding his bright, blue eyes watching her with kindness and affection, a tightening in her lower abdomen warned her that her capabilities at restraining herself around him would be quite a challenge today. "Fine, Castle. But on one condition."

"Anything, detective."

Rolling her eyes at the smugness of his voice, Kate brought a hand up. "One. No googly eyes."

"Um."

"Two," Kate ignored him, "no endearment words, or nicknames, or anything remotely related to some cheesy, corny adjectives to describe...this. Us." She waved her hand between them while she kept counting the conditions on her other hand.

Castle openly sulked but nodded at her, and waited for her to continue. "And three?"

"Respect everything mentioned above today and maybe, _maybe _I'll consider staying over tonight."

"You mean...?" Castle's eyes bulged comically, his features giddy with excitement.

Kate checked around quickly and, satisfied that everybody seemed to be busy at their own desks, took Castle's hand in hers and squeezed it briefly, quirking an eyebrow at him. Standing and picking up the file, Kate headed to the interrogation room to perform her first interrogation in weeks, leaving a speechless novelist in her wake.

* * *

><p>"Refill?"<p>

Kate glanced up at Castle, hovering over her with a bottle of mineral water in hand. "No thanks."

As promised, the detective had showed up at the writer's door around six-thirty, Castle having left earlier to get the dinner ready. Alexis hadn't made it, having to study for a test the following morning, so it had been a quiet yet entertaining dinner between the partners and Martha.

The actress had excused herself not long after they had finished dessert, having sensed the younger woman's restlessness throughout their time at the table.

Castle sighed and lowered himself on the couch, settling in close enough so that their thighs were touching. The writer wasn't oblivious to the cop's struggles ever since she had stepped inside the loft. Asking her about sharing what had happened last summer had been taking its toll on her during the day; she had became more and more nervous as the day went on, and it was one of the reasons Castle had decided to leave earlier than planned.

But, as much as it pained him to see her so anxious, he didn't want to back down. He's given her time and space for the last eight months, but now he wanted to know. He _had _to know.

And she knew it.

"Do you think," Kate eventually asked hesitantly, her hands clasped together and careful not to meet the writer's eyes, "could we go to your study, or your room? I don't-"

Castle stood up and reached for her hand, trying not to take it personally when she refused it and got on her feet by herself. "Why don't we go in my room, if that's okay with you? You're tired, you should get some rest, Kate."

"After. I kind of owe someone explanations." She muttered as her socked feet padded through the silent loft, Castle following quietly behind.

The writer was surprised when, ultimately, Kate chose to settle in his bedroom. She hesitated next to the bed and watched as Castle moved around the room, pulling out sweats and a t-shirt out of his closet. He handed to her without a word, the gesture a question in itself.

Relief washed over Castle when she accepted the clothes and headed for the bathroom to change. "Do you have a spare toothbrush?"

Castle smirked. "Yours is still there."

Kate's smirk echoed Castle's as she stalled in the doorway. "A little presumptuous, are we Castle?"

"It would, if you hadn't just asked me for it. Oh wait, I believe you just did."

The door closed in its face. Castle chuckled and changed hurriedly into a pair of soft, navy cotton pajama pants and a t-shirt. He was pulling the covers back when Kate came back into the room and heard her clear her throat. "What?"

Kate raised an eyebrow and glanced down at the t-shirt she was clutching on her chest.A _woman's_ sized shirt. "Just how long have you had that shirt in the hope I'd wear it in bed?"

"It was actually something I had wanted to give you a while back, but...The right moment has never came, and I forgot about it. I found it again yesterday while I was looking for something in the closet." Castle explained softly as their eyes lock, understanding darkening the detective's face. "Oh. Help me put it on?" She asked shyly after a beat, the shirt getting wrinkly in her nervous hands. "It looks kind of snug and my shoulders are still sore."

Castle swallowed tightly but a gentle smile graced his face as he stepped closer to help. "I'd normally be even happier to help you take it off of you, but we'll let it slide this time."

Kate walked past him and sat on the bed, hesitating as she fiddled with the shirt. Castle noticed the moment she made her decision, as she sat straighter and, after glancing up at him, simply handed him the shirt.

Castle fought to keep his eyes on hers, but he found it harder and harder to do so as he grabbed the shirt. She wasn't wearing a bra. How had ne not noticed her naked shoulders before? She was going to kill him. "You're not even going to look?"

"Um. No."

"No? Why?"

Castle gaped at her. "Why? Because you asked me to help you get dressed, not to openly gawk at you, Kate. I'd hope you know me better than that."

Kate's face fell and she nodded as she looked down. "I just...you know I'm not good with words, Rick. They keep getting all mixed up, and I always end up saying the wrong thing so I thought..."

"You could show me instead." Castle sighed as he understood. Kate nodded and wrapped an arm around herself, covering her chest foolishly. She heard him moved around the room but she kept her head down, only looking up when she felt the bed dip under his weight, one of his own shirts being placed on her lap. "Kate..."

Their eyes locked but neither of them talked. Kate blinked, lost in the man's warm and so full of love blue orbs, and a small grin tugged at her lips as the anxiety of the last days, or the last months if she was honest with herself, slowly began to drain from her body and mind.

She could do this. She had told him she loved him, and he had already seen her at her very worst. He had always come back, no matter how many times she had blew him off or treated him like the man she knew he wasn't. He loved her.

He _loves_ her.

Kate dropped her arm, unbarring herself to him once again, and yet Castle still didn't look. Reaching out, she gently took his hand and guided it between her breasts until it rested on the scar from the bullet wound. "A quarter of an inch to the left and it would have pierced the heart. I was lucky it only nicked the pulmonary vein."

"What did it feel like? I mean...you know, after." Castle whispered after he found his voice again, when he thought he could talk without letting out the desperate sob in his throat. His finger lightly brushed over the scar, fascinated by the softness of it despite of his puckered appearance.

Kate closed her eyes as she let herself feel the writer's touch in the one place she very seldom touched, hating the flashbacks it brought her whenever her hand accidentally made contact with it. Accepting to look at it was one thing, but to actually touch it..."You didn't look that bad when I saw you."

"I was on really, really good drugs." She admitted honestly. "And it wasn't too bad, as long as I wasn't breathing too much, or moving around, or talking too much." She laughed self-deprecatingly. "The other one hurt more."

Castle's hand instinctively roamed down her ribs to the surgical scar and caressed it with his thumb, noting the difference between the two. "They cut through the muscles."

"Yeah. Sometimes...I know it's stupid, but sometimes, I think I can still feel the cold metal from the retractor on my skin and I have to touch myself to make sure I don't have a gaping hole on my side." Kate looked up at Castle, only to find him staring at her with tears in his eyes. "Hey, it's okay. It hasn't happened in a while now. I'm better. So much better, Castle."

"Still...you could have died, and I wasn't there. You were in the hospital for so long, Kate. I kept thinking of the worst." Castle sucked in a deep breath and had Kate gasp in surprise when he lowered his head and delicately kissed the scar, before shifting on the bed to do the same thing with the other one.

"I had a pneumonia, and I had a bad reaction to one of the antibiotics they were giving me, so I got stuck in the hospital an extra three weeks." Both were painfully aware of what the writer was doing as his lips lingered shortly. His eyes closed as he absorbed everything her quiet voice was telling him, he sighed and pulled back, and took his shirt from Kate's lap. He helped her into it wordlessly buttoning it down for her before patting the other side of the bed. "Care to get more comfortable? Your back must be sore."

Kate nodded but before Castle could pull away, her hands snapped up and grabbed his shirt, bringing it closer to her. One hand clutched around the thin fabric, the other moved to his face to cup his cheek and, gently, kept him in place as she pressed her lips against his in a chaste kiss. "I'm so sorry, Castle, so sorry. But I'm here now, and I'm here to stay, I promise you."

The cop sighed in contentment as Castle's arms wrapped around her waist and back, and she felt herself being tugged into his lap. Kate gladly returned the embrace as she leaned into the writer's warm chest, his strong hands working at the knotted muscles in her shoulders and back.

Castle shuddered as he felt Kate's fingers softly running down his ribs and lower back, the slight scratching of her fingernails sending sparkles of desire throughout his body.

His lips trailed down her neck, peppering her with feather light kisses, as he held her tighter against him. Castle's heart stopped pounding in his chest as she relaxed and quickly became boneless on him.

Castle chuckled when he realized why Kate had become so suddenly quiet and heavy in his arms. "You really need to stop falling asleep on me, sweetie." He whispered in her ear as he continued to gently rocking her, making sure she was gone for the night. He sat still and basked in the moment, enjoying the feel of his partner in his arms with a silly grin on his face.

_Thoughts? Reviews, comments?_


End file.
